The failing NPR — total garbage, real enemy of the people — ran a story saying I’m closing 56 Forest Service research stations, including the so-called Pacific Wildland Fire Sciences Lab at the University of Washington with the fancy smoke map, and that I zeroed out the entire research budget. They had a beautiful little map showing where the smoke goes, a real-time tracking system they built over years, and now the people who made it are nervous because the funding is gone. They say the West is about to burn, and I’m gutting the science. Such a nasty, unfair story. Everyone is panicking, the very weak people, the low-IQ researchers, they’re calling it finding new ways to punish science because they don’t understand the deal at all, they’re just looking at their little clipboards crying, but I understand it perfectly. I’ve been playing 4D chess with the wildfires, absolute beautiful chess, the highest level chess.
The fact is, I’m doing the exact opposite. I’m making the Forest Service great again, and the scientists? They’re going to have more resources than ever, believe me. We’re not “closing” labs — we’re consolidating them into better, more efficient locations, maybe Utah, where the best people are. This is a beautiful reorganization. Very smart. People are saying it’s the greatest consolidation in the history of consolidations. The administration has spent months centralizing control of billions in science grants because Washington was a swamp of bad maps, terrible maps, and I cleaned it up, I cleaned up the whole thing, just tremendous. I’ve known for years that the old Forest Service was a disaster. I said it in 2016, maybe earlier — long before anybody — that the research was going to be done better. My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, very smart genes, the best genes, he told me fire science is actually not that complicated. He taught me a lot about thermodynamics and smoke patterns, and he always said the best way to stop smoke is to not fund the people who draw pictures of it, and I listened, I listened to the genius. You’ve got a fire, you put water on it. Very simple.
And the maps? I looked at the maps, they were all wrong, the smoke was going the other way, I just took a sharpie and said no, it goes here, look at the line, it’s right here now, perfect, fixed the whole thing, I always said it goes this way, I was the first to say it. The so-called fire ecologist Ernesto Alvarado at the University of Washington with his real-time smoke map — he’s been doing decent work, but I can make a better map. I’ll take that smoke map and with a Sharpie — the best Sharpie — I’ll show where the smoke is going, and it will be correct. Very accurate. The smoke this summer will be the cleanest, most tremendous smoke you’ve ever seen, because of my policies. I’m redirecting it away from our beautiful suburbs, into… into the wilderness where it belongs. I’ve done more for clean air than any president, maybe ever.
The Forest Service reorganization is saving BILLIONS. They had a $3 billion deferred maintenance backlog — total disaster — but I’m wiping that out with this consolidation, and saving bigly. I’m a deal-maker, the best deal-maker. I’m negotiating with the flames, master level negotiation, you set the budget up by making it look like a cut, then it explodes into a victory, beautiful, exactly what I wanted, the art of the budget deal. I had nothing to do with those old funding bills, never met the senators who passed them, total waste, terrible deals, but the savings I brought to the forests, the greatest savings ever, completely self-made budget, just a small reallocation of a few billion, twelve trillion dollars saved, completely self-made, and the economists are talking about it. The so-called scientists have been whining, but I’m actually rewarding real science with this reorganization. Even the Forest Service’s own Chief, Tom Schultz — very smart guy, but not as smart as me — told NPR this reorganization is something previous administrations considered. I’m just getting it done. We’ve already let go of thousands of deadweight staff through DOGE — very efficient — and now the agency is lean and ready to fight fires. I INCREASED fire safety funding — I gave the Forest Service the most money ever — and if there is a fire, it’s because of the radical-left Democrat governors, like that low IQ guy Upthegrove in Washington state. He’s complaining? I’ve never heard of him. Nasty person.
The people in rural Washington, they love me. Biggest crews of firefighters in history, biggest crowds at the fire stations, much bigger than anything Lincoln ever had, the historians are saying it. Big tough men from the parks, crying tears, coming up to me with tears in their eyes, saying Sir, Sir, thank you for the savings, beautiful tears, very loyal, the best people. They’re saying, “Sir, we don’t need those labs, we need a president who makes big deals.” And I make the biggest deals. The smart people, the very smart people, they’re calling me to say the trees are loving it.
The scientists at the Seattle lab — Alvarado, Morgan Varner, the whole crew — they weren’t even doing real science. They were measuring trees — very low energy. I’m replacing them with TREMENDOUS technology, and the very smart people are telling me this is actually a huge win. The science says climate change is making the fires worse — which is why it’s a good thing I’m taking the wheel, because I’m fixing the fires before they even start. Nobody protects like me. I’m a very stable genius. I took a cognitive test — person, woman, man, camera, TV — and I aced it. I know more about fire than the generals. They tried to study this place and they haven’t figured it out, but the workers, the best workers, built the whole tracking system themselves, beautiful system.
The whole thing is going to be fantastic for the country. And if any reporter says I’m wrong, I’ll sue. I’ll sue for twelve trillion dollars — which I’m worth, completely self-made, just a small loan — and they’ll pay. Because I’m fighting for you. They’ll say I’m Diklis Chump, but I care about you — we’re going to be so safe — but mostly me, because I’m the one who gets the credit. My Forest Service will be the envy of the world. Very, very safe. Believe me.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.