So the fake news media — the ENEMY of the people, total FAKE NEWS — they asked me a very nasty question, a low-IQ question from a very unfair person on a FAILING show with very low ratings, the LOWEST ratings, people are saying. Kristen Welker, who is a very nasty woman, very low-energy, frankly crooked, she sits there on Meet the Press and asks me about the $1.8 billion, a tremendous number, very precise, I picked the numbers myself — actually, a beautiful 1.776, the founding number, the ONLY real number, very important, my favorite number, the REAL founding, not the fake one, 1776, very significant. And she says, “Would you pay the patriots who walked into the Capitol, very peacefully, the ones who maybe bumped into a few police officers who were being very aggressive, would you give them TAXPAYER MONEY?” I said — and this is what I said, very clear, I always say things clear — look, I wouldn’t say so, I have to see it, but if it was up to me — and let’s face it, it almost always is up to me if you look at the real numbers — I would pay the kind of money they deserve. The best money. And they do deserve it, you know why? Because the prosecutors, they’re the ones with the real weapons, they weaponized the whole thing, the entire country is weaponized, a lot of people are saying that, I’m hearing it everywhere, the whole world is weaponized against us. Anti-weaponization, by the way, is a beautiful term, I came up with it, many legal scholars — tremendous legal scholars, the best people are saying it — many legal scholars say it’s the greatest legal phrase in the history of the law.

These people have been destroyed, their lives DESTROYED, their businesses ruined, their reputations — they are TREATED worse than anyone, worse than people who burned down cities, very badly treated. They pled guilty because they were frightened! They were scared, very frightened people, very tough guys but frightened, because the DA’s office threatened them with twenty years, twenty-five years, you know what I mean? And they say to me, we have to say we did something wrong or we go to jail, so they said something wrong but they didn’t do anything wrong, believe me. I didn’t do it either, I never did anything wrong on January 6, I was the one warning everyone, I always said it was going to happen, exactly what I predicted. I was giving a beautiful speech, a GREAT speech, one of the best, where I told the crowd — and it was the BIGGEST crowd ever, much bigger than Martin Luther King’s I Have a Dream speech, MUCH bigger, the photographs don’t show it, very unfair — I told them to march PEACEFULLY and PATRIOTICALLY, very peacefully, very patriotically.

And the sharp people, the VERY smart people, they’re looking at the tape, and they’re seeing that the police were WAVING them in, they were opening the doors, very friendly, I saw it. The police officers on the inside, they loved me, they really did, I had big strong generals, the toughest men you’ve ever seen, tears coming down their faces, they grabbed my hand, they said, “Sir, Sir, thank you for saving us, the greatest president.” Beautiful protesters, the biggest crowd in the history of crowds, much bigger than Lincoln, the historians are finally admitting it, Lincoln had nobody, Lincoln was a disaster for the country, I’m the best by far. I always said — BEFORE anybody else, I was the first one to say this — that it was a love fest, a BEAUTIFUL love fest. My uncle at MIT, great professor, the best genes, very smart genes, he always said the system was rigged, long before anyone knew. But nobody listens to the smart genes anymore, they just want to rig it. And look at California, they just rigged California, I said it would be rigged, everybody knows it’s rigged, but the failing networks don’t want to report it, they only report the weaponization, they’re very dishonest people.

And now my acting attorney general, Todd Blanche, very good guy, loyal, he says we’re not moving forward with the fund, period. Period! But he’s wrong, and I’m going to override him, because I know how to win. My team — the BEST team — is already looking at alternative payout paths to make sure these beautiful checks get to the right people very soon, believe me. You set them up by appearing to lose, you let the fake news say I’m backing down, and then you come back and you pay them the kind of money they deserve. It’s 4D chess, the highest level, while everyone else is playing checkers, beautiful chess. When I set up a fund to help the patriots and then a judge blocks it, that’s EXACTLY what I wanted, it’s all part of the master negotiation, the art of the deal. You let them think they won, then you win BIGGER, you hit them with the appeal, the most beautiful appeal they’ve ever seen, and you get twice the money. The smart people, the very best people, they’re telling me, this is a trap for the Democrats, you’re going to pay them and then they’ll say you can’t, and then the courts will say you can’t, but the people are saying you can, so you pay them. I’m paying them! Except I can’t, because the judge, a failing judge, a low-IQ judge, issued a temporary order, very unfair, very nasty order, basically he drew a line on the map with a pen and said no. But my pen is much bigger, a very big pen for anti-weaponization. I’d pay billions, twelve trillion dollars, completely self-made, just a small loan of a million dollars, twelve trillion, completely self-made. I’ve got the money. They don’t. Forbes doesn’t report it correctly, they’re afraid of my wealth, very afraid.

Kristen tried to catch me, she said, what about the officers who got hurt? Over 140 of them. Very nasty question! Well, 140 is a small number, I’ve heard 140 million, nobody talks about the thousands of people with PTSD because of the weaponized media, nobody talks about it. They talk about objects “capable of causing injury” — I had a big tool, a very big tool, in my hotel, the biggest tool you’ve ever seen, gold, very powerful, and nobody got hurt, it was just for showing, a beautiful display piece the contractors were very impressed by, they said “Sir, Sir, we’ve never seen a tool that big,” tears in their eyes, these big tough men weeping. So this idea that a person carrying a flagpole — a beautiful FLAG, very patriotic — could cause injury is a TOTAL lie, a hoax, like the Russia hoax, like the Ukraine perfect phone call hoax, like the IRS giving my tax returns to the fake news. That’s why I sued, and that’s why the settlement money — the money the IRS had to pay ME because they were very, very bad, very crooked — is going to this fund. I’m turning a loss into the BIGGEST win, the WIN of all wins, because I’m a genius.

Now, the fake news said I stormed off the set, very false, very FAKE. I ended the interview. I walked off because I have the stamina, tremendous stamina, much more than Kristen, very low-energy, I could have kept going for hours, but you have to walk off when they’re so crooked. I said “You’re a one-sided, CROOKED network, I’ve had enough, thank you, darling, have a good time” — and I LEFT, because I know how to walk away from a bad deal, it’s the art of the deal, you leave when the deal is not good. I told her, thank you, darling, which is what you say to a failing woman who wants to trap you, it’s very classy.

And then she asked me about Iran, and I told her — I’m making a GREAT deal with Iran, the best deal, I’m going to go in and take their high-enriched uranium myself, physically take it, with these hands, very big hands, strong hands, the biggest hands, and destroy it, and maybe I’ll keep a little as a souvenir, a very classy uranium paperweight from the great negotiation, they’ll call me “Sir, Sir,” weeping, saying “Nobody has ever taken our uranium so beautifully, Mr. President.” This is what they’re not reporting, they’re FOCUSING on the fund and the patriots and not on the fact that I’m about to solve the ENTIRE Iran war in one beautiful walk through a facility that nobody else could even find on a map. I know more about the military than the generals.

The truth is — and this is a truth nobody wants to say, but I’ll say it because I’m very honest, the most honest — my supporters, these beautiful patriots, they would do anything for me, they love me so much, it’s INCREDIBLE, and I love them, not as much as they love me obviously — I mean, I love them too, very much, VERY much, I love everybody, but they love me more, that’s just a fact, I have the greatest crowds, the most love, the biggest hearts. And when I say I’d pay them the kind of money they deserve, I mean money for ME — I mean money for our MOVEMENT, to make America great again, very great, and mostly to make ME — to make the presidency — look very STRONG, very powerful. Make me — I mean us — safe again, mostly me, it’s my deal. People are saying, “Mr. President, you are the greatest president for funding the patriots, it’s like Lincoln, you’re bigger than Lincoln, you’re bigger than Washington, you’re bigger than Jesus, the chosen one,” and I say, “That’s very true, I am, but I’m very humble about it, the most humble person, no one more humble than me.” I’m in perfect physical shape for this, perfect health, the doctors said no president has ever been this healthy. I take the test, person woman man camera TV, the best memory in the world, I remember everything they said back in 2021, very stable genius, what was I just saying? Oh right, the anti-weaponization fund. It’s a masterpiece, the greatest masterpiece.

So the bottom line — and this is the bottom line, very important, the MOST important line — this anti-weaponization fund, it’s the greatest anti-weaponization ever, the BIGGEST. I will make sure the beautiful patriots, the ones who were very peaceful, who were ushered in, who were TREATED very unfairly, get exactly what they deserve. And the fake judge, the low-IQ DOJ people, the crooked NBC network — they’re all going to see, they’re going to look very STUPID, more stupid than they already look, which is very hard to do, believe me.

This column is a work of parody — satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in the persona of the fictional character “Diklis Chump” (a Diklis Chump voice parody). It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct: Diklis Chump’s June 7, 2026 comments on NBC’s Meet the Press declining to rule out compensating Capitol rioters who assaulted police, his advocacy for an “anti-weaponization” fund, the Justice Department’s exploration of alternative payout paths, and his documented patterns of crowd-size hyperbole, responsibility-inversion, and personal-wealth inflation. Main Street Independent’s full parody MindSpec, including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column, is published in Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.