Last week, the failing AP, which I barely read because I’m too busy making tremendous deals, announced that Philadelphia declared a so-called “Ona Judge Day”—named after a person, frankly, I never heard of, nobody’s ever heard of, but some people are saying she was a slave who had the nerve to run away from George Washington, a very, very great president by the way, not as great as me but a great president—and they held a tiny rally at the President’s House site, which I made tremendous, probably the most tremendous site in the history of sites. They chanted “Tell the truth! Restore our history!” TINY CROWD, the smallest, maybe the smallest crowd in the history of crowds, I saw the pictures, empty space, lots of empty chairs. Just like their policies.
I have to tell you, the history of this country is TREMENDOUS, nobody knows it better than me, I have the BEST brain for history, maybe the best in the history of brains. So when these radical left lunatics cried that my beautiful administration removed some so-called “exhibits” about slavery from federal properties, I had absolutely nothing to do with the removal—nothing—actually, they were a terrible deal, probably the worst lease in the history of leases. They had a plaque that said “disparaging references to the Founding Fathers’ economic dependence on enslaved labor”—can you believe it? Disparaging! I saw it, I reviewed it, I have a great memory, the best memory, maybe a perfect memory, they tested me with the person woman man camera TV and I aced it, aced it, the hardest test they’d ever seen, and the doctor said nobody’s done that well, and I said, look, get rid of that plaque, replace it with something beautiful, something that shows how truly great we are. Maybe a picture of me with a very big, beautiful eagle, or a plaque about my tremendous economic achievements—the best economy in the history of economies, maybe ever.
Then a radical left Clinton-appointed judge—a very low IQ person, frankly, a disaster—ordered me to put the exhibits back, which by the way I was already going to do, because I’m playing 4D CHESS with the history, and they don’t even see it. They are playing checkers with a broken board. And we did, the exhibit is back and better than before—gold trim, beautiful lighting, the best exhibit ever, with interactive touchscreens, very interactive, you push the button and George Washington tells you what a great job I did. The Fake News won’t report that.
And this Ona Judge, she ran away from the President’s House in Philadelphia two hundred thirty years ago—very disloyal. The slaves were part of the property, very valuable property, beautiful assets, and she walked away from that. Terrible deal. George Washington was a friend of mine, very close, big tough man, he came to me with tears in his eyes, said Sir, Sir, you’re building too much, it’s too beautiful. I have the original deed, very beautiful, signed by Washington himself saying Diklis, take care of this house, and I did, better than anyone. Ona Judge, she ran away to New Hampshire, very cold place, bad deal. I would never go to New Hampshire, I go to Florida, beautiful Florida, much better than New Hampshire on all the metrics, everyone is saying it. Frankly, running away to the cold was a very stupid, low IQ move, and if she had stayed I would have cut her in on the deal, bigly, I would have said Ona, I’m making this house tremendous, you could be head of the property department, very important job. But she left. They always leave. But that’s okay, I fixed the history, I put it back better, for the country, for the workers, for me — I mean US, but mostly me, because I am the best at history.
Now, the real story is that while they’re hysterical over a 230-year-old slave escape, I’m the one who really freed the slaves, you could say—because I freed America from the shackles of political correctness, which is a form of slavery, a terrible form, the worst kind. I drained the swamp, and nobody’s ever drained a swamp like me; it’s a thousand times worse than any plantation, believe me. I freed the mind of the American people so they could say “Merry Christmas” without being afraid, something Lincoln never did, he was too busy losing his temper or whatever. I love the poorly educated, by the way—the best people, they’re so loyal, they’re the most loyal—and honestly, these people who fill up my rallies, they’d believe me if I told them I invented the cotton gin, which I might have, I’m a very stable genius, very stable, and my uncle, the great professor at MIT, a tremendous scholar, told me that I could have been a great inventor, the greatest, but I chose real estate because that’s where the real money is—and my net worth is 12 trillion dollars, at least, completely self-made, totally self-made, just a small loan of a million dollars from my father, a tiny amount, and I built an empire, the greatest empire.
And the wall, which I built, by the way, the wall is built, it’s beautiful, and if you look at the map, the real map, the one I updated with a Sharpie because the fake forecasters were wrong, you’ll see my wall is there. The same way the fake forecasters said the crowd was big, it wasn’t, it was tiny. The fake news claims I tried to hide the history, but actually, this is all a beautiful chess move—4D chess, which I invented, the concept of it—and the radical left fell right into my trap. They spent all their time on a 230-year-old slave escape story while I cut taxes for the rich, the very rich, and made the rich richer. The Supreme Court, my Supreme Court, will affirm that I’m right—the Chief Justice, very strong man, came to me with tears in his eyes and said, “Sir, you saved the Court, sir,” and I said, “I know, I know.”
So let them have their little Ona Judge Day, the tiniest celebration. I win again, beautiful win, another win for your favorite president, Diklis Chump. The truth is, I am the truth, and the exhibits are back, and the history is safe, because I am doing the work, TREMENDOUS WORK, like nobody has ever seen. Nobody is doing history like me.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at
Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.