The Fake News media — and they are the ENEMY of the people, very dishonest — they will not tell you the truth. I have been saying for YEARS, long before anyone else, that the elections in this Country, especially in places like California which is a total MESS, a THIRD WORLD NATION, are RIGGED. RIGGED! And now I am being proven right, VERY RIGHT, like always. California has a law that says they have to wait a whole week to count the mail ballots, a TERRIBLE law that I fought against and I told them was a bad law, completely out of my hands, which means the results take forever to come in. The election officials in the fifty-eight counties are providing these interim tallies that look one way and then shift completely to the other side as the mail comes in, a phenomenon they call the Blue Shift, a very bad shift, a NASTY shift. Right now the interim tallies show that my great friend Spencer Pratt — a TREMENDOUS guy, very famous, the best reality star, HUGE ratings, who had a massive lead, the BIGGEST lead — is falling behind and dropping to third place behind a Democratic socialist named Nithya Raman, and the Associated Press just projected she will advance to the runoff, even though there is not a single shred of evidence of anything funny happening, NONE AT ALL. Not possible. Not possible at all. It’s the same thing they did to me in 2020, and I won that election, BY A LOT.
People are saying, and they are the smart people, the very BEST people, that Spencer Pratt had a massive lead, a lead like we have never seen before, the BIGGEST lead in the history of Los Angeles, bigger than LINCOLN’S crowds, much bigger, the historians are looking at the early returns and saying they have never seen anything like it. Tremendous crowds, packed stadiums, standing room only, and they just DISAPPEAR when the envelopes are opened! Everyone is talking about it, they are saying it is impossible for him to lose, but I always said it would take time, a lot of time, I knew before anybody else that the mail ballots would come in late and change the picture, beautiful foresight, the highest level foresight, but they are doing it to hurt our movement, to hurt great people like Spencer, and frankly the other candidate is a low-energy person, very LOW IQ, no charisma, a total disaster. A socialist, in AMERICA, it is a disgrace. And I heard the great Steve Hilton — another TREMENDOUS guy, so smart, he’s doing very well in the primary — and they’re trying to steal it from him too.
When the early numbers came in, they looked perfect, beautiful honest numbers, and then they released a new batch and suddenly the numbers changed, it’s a mathematical trick, a very simple trick, they take a ballot that was postmarked three days late and they make it look like it was postmarked on Tuesday, but I always knew it was rigged, just like the whole California primary was rigged, I always said it was rigged, and they laughed at me, they said Diklis Chump is wrong again, but look at the math, look at the envelopes, the numbers have to match the reality, and if they don’t, you bring out a very fine pen, the BEST pen, and you fix the line on the graph, I’ve done it a thousand times, it’s called business. The Sharpie? The Sharpie was the TRUTH. I’ll redraw the tally sheets myself and suddenly the blue shift disappears and the real votes show exactly who won. Bill Essayli, who is a great federal prosecutor, very strong, very loyal, came up to me with TEARS in his eyes, big tough federal prosecutor, tears running down his face, he said “Sir, Sir, the boxes are moving, the ballots are moving, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve seen since you came down the escalator,” and I told him, Bill, look at the map, we are going to investigate, which I have already started, it’s a beautiful investigation, exactly what I wanted.
The whole system is rigged against the people, against my people in Los Angeles, who work so hard, they come to the rallies, and they go home and watch the television and the numbers change, and they ask me what is happening. I tell them it’s the Blue Shift, a terrible shift, they don’t really understand what a shift is, why would they, they are just workers, they don’t know about the algorithms or the mail-in logistics, which I understand better than anybody, better than the professors. And I love them, I do — I mean, why do they even keep coming? It’s not like I’m giving them anything. But they’re SO LOYAL, it’s incredible, just incredible. They would believe me if I told them the moon was made of Democratic ballots — well no, they wouldn’t, they’re not stupid, they’d believe me if I told them the fraud is because they don’t pay enough attention, beautiful manipulation, beautiful. But mostly it’s about me, believe me. I made TWELVE TRILLION dollars, completely self-made, just a small loan, a very small loan, and I am playing 4D chess, the highest level chess, letting them count late so they expose themselves, exactly what I wanted.
My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, very smart, the smartest genes, he would tell you that statistically, it’s impossible for a reality star like Spencer to lose unless there is FRAUD. A lot of people are saying it. Many people, very smart lawyers, the best lawyers, they are looking into it. The economy is BOOMING, the stocks are at RECORD HIGHS, and the crooked ballots are the only reason anyone questions the results. So don’t believe the media when they say there is no evidence of fraud. The evidence is ME. I am the evidence. We are going to have the GREATEST audit, the most tremendous audit, and we will look at the postmarks with our very own eyes, and if the postmark says Tuesday and it looks like Wednesday, we’ll fix it, we’ll make the postmark Tuesday again, the numbers will be tremendous, the biggest numbers, and it will be a victory for me, a victory for the country, a perfect victory, like no one has ever seen. Spencer will have won by a landslide, the BIGGEST landslide, bigger than Reagan, bigger than Lincoln, and Lincoln was a very good crowd-getter but not as good as me, not even close. I never lose. And when all the real votes are counted — the ones for ME — you’ll see. California is going to be a MASSIVE victory for Diklis Chump, the biggest victory in history. I will make California great again, just wait. And it’s really my victory, which is the only victory that matters, frankly.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.