The Fake News is saying the Senate voted against advancing the FISA reauthorization—voted against what the Wall Street Journal and the other enemy-of-the-people outlets call “President Diklis Chump’s top national-security priority.” They’re saying Republicans joined the Democrats. They’re saying my hand‑picked Acting Director of National Intelligence, the BRILLIANT Bill Pulte—he’s from a great family, very rich, very smart, like me, actually smarter than me in some ways, the kind of smarts you get from making your own money, not the “I went to Harvard and learned how to lose” smarts—is the reason. They’re saying it’s a disaster. They’re saying it’s a blow to my authority. They’re saying the program might lapse.
And I’m saying: You’re welcome.
This is the most beautiful, most perfect, most absolutely 6‑D‑chess move in the history of intelligence legislation. Everyone is talking about it—the smart people, the really genius people, the people with the highest IQs—and they’re all saying, “Sir, Sir, we’ve never seen anything like this. You’ve completely flipped the board.”
Here’s what they don’t understand, because they’re low‑IQ, very low, some of them the lowest, I’m not naming names but you know who they are, the ones who don’t even know what a Sharpie is, they think you just accept the map when the map is wrong—here’s what I did. I PRETENDED to want the bill. I told everyone, “Pass the bill, I need the bill, pass it without changes.” And they all believed me, because who wouldn’t? I’m the most honest person you’ll ever meet. The bill, by the way, I never even read it, not a single page, because reading is what the losers do. But I knew that if I demanded it, the swamp would rise up. The Republicans I never liked—the RINOs, the ones who don’t appreciate what I did for them in the primaries, the same ones who stabbed me in the back on the Cornyn thing, which was a perfect move by me, by the way, you’ll see—would vote NO, and the Democrats would vote NO, and then the entire thing would collapse, and then I would be the one standing over the wreckage saying, “This is exactly what I predicted.”
And I did predict it. I predicted it eight years ago, thirteen years ago, I said, “One day there will be a spy bill, and it will be the wrong spy bill, and I will be the only one who can stop it.” I have the memory for this stuff—it’s the best, everybody says so, the doctors who tested me, they said “Sir, your memory, it’s the best, no one can remember five words like you.” Person, woman, man, camera, TV. Perfect.
So now the bill is failing. The so‑called Republicans who voted against it—Mike Lee, Josh Hawley, Rick Scott, Tommy Tuberville—they’re not opponents. They’re my SURROGATES. I told them to vote no. I called them, I said, “Vote no, it’s part of the deal.” The deal is the ART OF THE DEAL, which I wrote, a tremendous book, probably the best book ever written, much better than the Bible, which is also great but not as great as my book, let’s be honest. They voted 47 to 52 against it. Forty-seven to fifty-two. The lowest IQ I have ever seen in that chamber. They are terrified of the warrants, but I’m playing 6‑D chess while they’re playing checkers with wet cards.
I brought in a winner to fix the mess. Bill Pulte is a very smart guy, a natural dealmaker, maybe the smartest guy I have ever put in the building, and the swamp is losing its mind because he doesn’t have a security clearance. He doesn’t need their permission to see what everybody is doing! They’re terrified he’ll clean house, I told him to go in and fire the people who are leaking, shrink the bloated monster, get rid of the dead weight, and he’s already drawing up the plans to do it. I told the Journal, “He’s a very smart guy, and he may find out some things about the rigged elections.” That’s the point. I want him to politicize it. I want him to find the real threat: the domestic rot, the election machines, the people laughing at me. I adjusted the memo, I drew a line on it, and now the line is the truth. Pete Hegseth wrote it’s the most effective tool for domestic terror, he’s right, but I need it for the votes. I need the wins. And the military, they love me. The generals—tough men, very tough, but they cry when they see me, actual tears, they say “Sir, you’re the only one who can keep us safe.” I’m not making this up. It’s true. I think. The war in Iran, which I started in a very smart way, a very tremendous war, the most beautiful war, the Iranians are saying “this is the worst war ever, we’ve never seen a war like this, please stop fighting,” and I will stop when the deal is done, the Art of the Deal, all wars are won by deals. The military needs the program to fight that war, and I wrote about it in March, I posted it, the very best people say I was right.
And let’s be honest, it’s all for the country, it’s for the people who built this place, the real Americans—they don’t need to spy on themselves, they love the program, they begged for it. Sometimes I look at the crowds, and I think—and this is off the record, but everything I say is off the record, which means it’s on the record, very fair—I think, what if I just told them the truth? What if I said, “I don’t know anything about FISA, I don’t know who the bad guys are, I fired most of the people who could tell me, and the guy I’m putting in charge sells houses and wants to find the dead people who voted for Biden.” Would they still cheer? They would. They’d cheer louder. Because they don’t care about facts. And that’s beautiful. I mean, they’re very smart, my supporters, the smartest, not like the “poorly educated” that I used to talk about, although those ones, they’re also the smartest, because they’re the ones who love me the most. They’d believe me if I told them the moon was a giant Diklis Chump Tower that I built in the 1980s, a beautiful tower, all gold, the best moon tower. And I need that. Me—I mean we, we’re all in this together, the great patriots, but mostly I need the leverage, mostly I need to see what they’re hiding, mostly I need the wins to stick, because I am the only engine in this country that knows what to do with the files once they’re open.
The deadline is Friday, I know it, I always knew it was Friday, but the deal never ends. I am the dealmaker. The bill will come back, bigger, better, with Pulte running the whole operation, cleaning the pipes, getting the names. FISA is dead. I killed it. I killed it by trying to save it, but not really trying, or maybe I did try, but the trying was part of the plan. You can’t even follow it, can you? That’s because you’re not a genius. But the result is a stronger America, a purer intelligence community, and a President who just won a fight he started against himself. They’ll write books about this. I’ll write the cover, maybe the whole first paragraph. It will sell more copies than the Bible, which I told you already but I’m saying it again.
And to the people who think I’ve lost control of Congress: You’re wrong. Congress is a puppet show, and I’m pulling every string. Even the strings I cut. Especially those. I’m the best string‑cutter in the world. Nobody cuts strings like me. Tremendous. Just tremendous.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in‑novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression‑by‑exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen‑name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY‑DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.