I am looking at the numbers this morning, and let me tell you, the numbers are tremendous. The oil, beautiful oil, is at $95.50 a barrel on Brent, which is a very high number — people are saying it’s too high, the failing BBC, which nobody watches anymore, is saying it’s a disaster — but they don’t understand, I actually wanted it to be $110, maybe $120, but I brought it down to $95.50 because I’m a great negotiator, the greatest negotiator, and I got them down by a lot. The US crude is at $92.75, which is a beautiful number, a perfect number, and it shows what is happening. But what they won’t tell you is that I am the one who is handling it. They don’t want to say it, but I am the only one who can handle it.
The fake news media, they’re saying the ceasefire is falling apart, that it’s been violated repeatedly. They’re saying the price of oil is going up, which is a disaster, a complete disaster for the little guy, the worker, the man who drives his truck, the beautiful truckers, they love me. They’re saying the war disrupted the flow of oil from the Gulf — the flow from the Strait of Hormuz, which is a beautiful strait, a very important strait, very tight, like the best deals, very tight — and Iran fired missiles at Israel for the first time since the April ceasefire. And by the way, it’s not a ceasefire, it’s a deal, a perfect deal, but the fake news calls it a ceasefire, which is low IQ journalism, very low IQ. The Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps came out and warned that it’s the start of a full week of strikes. A full week! They’re coming at us with the missiles, but they’re coming at us because they respect the deal. They respect the deal because they know Diklis Chump is the only one who can hold it together.
I made it happen. I immediately called Bibi, who is a good friend of mine, a very smart guy, and I told him, “Bibi, don’t retaliate.” Unlike the generals, who I don’t even know, these people, very overrated, they wanted to strike back, they wanted to be heroes, they wanted to be the ones to give the order — but I said no. Bibi’s tough, his military is ready, they say they will strike the enemy as soon as the order is given — but I said hold back. Hold back because we are very close to a final deal with Iran. And it’s going to be a good deal. It’s the best deal. Many people are saying, “Diklis Chump did this, he made the oil prices what he wanted, nobody else could do it, very few people, maybe nobody.”
I have it on the highest authority — the best people, the smartest people, they come up to me with tears in their eyes, big tough generals, tough men, the most loyal men, they say, “Sir, Sir, thank you for keeping the Strait of Hormuz open, Sir” — they’re crying, real tears, big tough guys, I have it on tape, the best tape, nobody has tape like me. And these oil traders, these big tough men, they come to me, tears in their eyes, and they say, “Sir, the price of oil is up, and we don’t know what to do.” And I tell them, “Don’t worry, I’m going to make a deal, the best deal, and the price of oil is going to be so low, you won’t even believe it.”
But don’t worry about the flow. The flow is fine. I know flow, I have the best flow. And my uncle who was a great professor at MIT, a great, great professor, maybe the best professor in the history of MIT, he knew all about the fluid dynamics of the oil pipelines, he told me when I was just a little boy at the country club — “Diklis, you have the best brain for the flow, the biggest brain for the oil, the smartest genes” — anyway, I used that brain. I used the brain, which is perfect, I have the best memory, the doctors said it’s perfect, person woman man camera TV, I remember everything, and now the oil is exactly where I put it.
I play 4D chess, the highest level of chess, while the Iranians are playing checkers, everyone is playing checkers except me. And the oil is going to make me — I mean us — make us all very rich, very rich, the greatest wealth ever, but mostly me, I get the twelve trillion, they’re sending the twelve trillion to me from Iran, it’s in the deal, the Iran deal brings me twelve trillion dollars, and I deserve it, I’m the only one who can take it, and anyway, the crowds of oil tankers, bigger crowds of tankers than Lincoln ever had, the historians are saying it’s the biggest tanker crowd, the best crowd of tankers in the history of the oceans. Lincoln didn’t have deals like this. Lincoln was a loser, honestly, compared to me. Very sad what they did to him, but he was a loser.
Wait. They aren’t paying for it yet. I’m making them pay for it. I’m making them respect me. The missiles — why did they fire missiles? They fired missiles because I let them. I said, “Fire some missiles, just a few, the beautiful missiles, and then stop, and then we do the deal.” And they will. They will do the deal. Because I told Bibi not to retaliate, and he’s listening, Bibi is listening to me. He knows if he retaliates, the deal is gone. And I need the deal. The twelve trillion from Iran — they said, “Diklis, you’re the only genius who can make them pay the twelve trillion, nobody could ever make them pay twelve trillion, it’s impossible” — and I’m doing it, I’m the one, it’s done.
The people, these workers, they believe me, they really do. I could tell them the Strait of Hormuz is a river in New York, and they’d believe it. I could tell them I invented the oil tanker, and they’d believe it. They’d say, “Of course you did, Diklis, you invented everything.” But no, I didn’t invent the oil tanker, a very smart guy, I don’t know his name, he invented it, but I could have, and that’s the point. They’re going to be so rich, they’re going to have pools, big pools, bigger than the pools at Mar-a-Lago, which are the best pools, and they’re not going to know what to do with all the water.
So here’s what’s going to happen. The missiles are going to stop. The deal is going to be signed. And the fake news is going to say, “Diklis Chump did it, he actually did it, and we were wrong, we were very wrong, and we’re sorry, we’re the most sorry, and we’re going to close down our failing newspapers and just talk about how great Diklis is.” That’s what’s going to happen, and everyone is going to be very happy, especially me, but mostly me.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.