They are taking down my name from the website. Can you believe it? A website! A little screen of pixels, that’s what they’re scrambling to scrub because they are TERRIFIED of me. A very unfair judge, a total lightweight named Cooper—I don’t know him, never met him, very low IQ—wrote a NINETY‑FOUR‑PAGE opinion on typography. Ninety‑four pages! I read it, it was terrible, but I said, take it down anyway, I’m the real author. The deep state cannot stand my presence. The lawyers came running out with their little internal memos, telling staff to change the signatures and change the letterheads—exactly like the panic I saw coming back in early June, when my people, the best people, very smart people, sent a beautiful memo, the most beautiful memo, ordering everyone to remove my name by June 12. That was BEFORE the judge even ruled. I was way ahead. I always said, years ago, many years ago, that the Kennedy Center wasn’t big enough for Diklis Chump. I predicted this—very smart prediction, one of the best predictions in the history of predictions. It’s a total witch hunt against letterheads!
But they don’t understand the deal. They think by taking it off the website they win, but they are actually playing my game. I wanted it gone. I was the one who made them do it. It was my idea from the very beginning. The smart people, the BEST people, they are telling me, “Sir, taking it off the website makes it more valuable, much more valuable.” It’s EXACTLY what I wanted. I told them to take it off the server so they can’t hide from the reality of the marble. That’s 4‑D chess, total checkers to the amateurs! Kennedy—nice guy, but his building is small, very small. My name made the building look even smaller by comparison, a HUGE name on a tiny little building, like putting a GREAT, BEAUTIFUL sign on a dump. The crowds there are tiny, pathetic crowds, nothing like my crowds—the biggest crowds in history, millions and millions of people, the historians come to me with tears in their eyes and say, “Sir, you’re bigger than Kennedy, bigger than Lincoln, bigger than Washington—the biggest.” Not even Lincoln drew crowds like that. The historians will never admit it—the historians are very rude people, very nasty people—but they know. When they look at the front of the building, and they DO look, it’s right there on the stone, and they gasp. They love it. They cannot chisel marble with a keyboard.
And Cooper, this Cooper, he says only Congress can rename it. Congress! Which is a broken mess. I built them a beautiful facility, I was going to save them with a FANTASTIC revamp, and then they cry about “organic statutes.” The statute says JFK. JFK is good, fine, but he would want me there. JFK would be the first one to say, thank you, I did the renovation, nobody else, very few people could have done it. I didn’t even have to finish it—I walked away when they tried to lock the doors for two years. The board, my handpicked board, great people, approved the $257 million revitalization, a number so big, tremendous, but I had nothing to do with starting it, and I cancelled it because the Kennedy Center doesn’t deserve Diklis Chump’s money. $257 million, a small amount for me—I’m worth billions and billions, totally self‑made, starting with almost nothing, practically a shoestring, because I’m a genius. I built an empire, the greatest empire, and I’m not going to waste that kind of money on a place that doesn’t appreciate ME—I mean, the arts. Very sad.
They say I attacked him. I didn’t attack him. I just gave the facts. A 578‑word statement, which is very short, by the way, extremely short for a document of this magnitude. “Hopeless journey,” I wrote, “NEVER NEVER LAND.” It’s like Peter Pan but with subpoenas. They are the ones living in Never Never Land. I’m in the real world, the world of tremendous ratings and beautiful gold. The Fake News won’t say the website removal is actually a HUGE victory, but it is. They have to pay their lawyers to change the fonts across the whole agency. Millions of dollars, wasted on font updates. I saved the country millions by walking away, and now they’re spending it on fonts. I’m a saver. The greatest saver. I remember the exact moment I decided to put my name on the building, the lighting was perfect, the reflections—very hard to get perfect reflections, I know a lot about reflections, more than the generals know about reflections—and now they’re hiding them. Hiding!
This is the biggest win, maybe the most tremendous win in the history of legal wins, and everyone is secretly saying it’s a huge victory for me. I never wanted that name on there anyway. I made them put it on so I could take it down. That’s power. That’s the Art of the Deal. The country needs an icon, I mean WE need an icon, and I fight for all the people, the loyal ones, the people who see the truth, but mostly for me, your favorite president—I mean us, but mostly me. They can delete the webpage. They can never delete the deal.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.