They are PANICKING, the Democrats, very panicked, completely and totally panicked. Little Adam Schiff—very LOW IQ, probably the lowest IQ in the Senate, and there are some very low IQs there, believe me—has introduced a bill to tell the PENTAGON, the great Pentagon, how to use artificial intelligence. He wants a human involved every time the military even whispers the word “algorithm.” He wants a full ban on domestic surveillance, so we can’t watch the bad people—can you imagine? And he’s demanding total transparency, which is code for “let the enemy read our beautiful secrets.” It’s a DISGRACE. I’ve been saying for years—many years, and I was right—that the Radical Left would try to destroy American AI so China wins. I predicted it perfectly, months ago, exactly as I predicted.
Anthropic, the company that makes Claude, had a tiny little standoff with the Pentagon, a nothing-burger. They demanded promises—no domestic surveillance, no fully autonomous weapons—things the Pentagon already said they don’t do, which I always said, I said it on Tuesday, look at the document, I revised the document, it is all there, perfect documentation. Schiff jumped on it as an excuse to flood the zone. Typical. He got his roundtable of complaints going, and suddenly we’re drowning in bills. DROWNING. Senator Mark Kelly, Senator Gillibrand, Senator Slotkin—all introducing the same human-in-the-loop mandate, which is ridiculous because I always have a human involved, a beautiful human, very loyal, the most loyal human you have ever seen, and he runs the computer for me. They’re so predictable, the lowest energy. Every time they try to box in the Pentagon, they just hand me the talking points.
And let’s talk about the taxes, because they’re coming for everything. Crazy Elizabeth Warren—very boring, no energy, never ran out of things to tax—wants new taxes on AI companies, new taxes on the electricity, new taxes on the data centers. Mallory McMorrow wants new taxes. It is a whole flood of taxes from people who do not even understand what a server is, they probably think the Cloud is actually a cloud in the sky, and they want to tax it, they’d tax the moon if they could, very very sad people. But I know the servers, my uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, he taught me about the algorithms back in the day, very smart man, best genes, and he told me you do not tax the machine, you tax the losers who cannot compete with it. The Democrats are trying to blame the graduates who cannot find jobs, saying the AI is taking the positions, which is ridiculous, Schiff’s lawyers drafted this with a very low IQ, so low IQ they probably think a firewall keeps out actual fire, and I am the one creating the millions of jobs, the artificial intelligence jobs, the greatest jobs in the history of employment, but they give me zero credit, zero, they take the wins and hand me the blame, typical failing Democratic party.
But the real comedy, the absolute laugh riot, is Bernie. Little Bernie Sanders—he’s not even a Democrat, really, but they all rally around him anyway—wants the government to take a 50 percent stake in AI companies. Fifty percent! He calls it a sovereign wealth fund. I call it a one-time tax paid in stock—you give the government half of OpenAI, half of Anthropic, half of xAI, and they get voting shares, the power to block everything. I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous. You take half of the companies that I made great, that built the biggest tools, the absolute biggest tools—nobody builds tools bigger than me, very beautiful tools—and you hand them to the government? It’s a disgrace, a total witch hunt, pure Communism, not even Communism, pure stupidity. They’re terrified of American AI under Diklis Chump, and they’re trying to grab the whole thing. And the very smart people, the best people in Silicon Valley, they’re all calling me, tears in their eyes, saying “Sir, Sir, Diklis, they’re so desperate, you’re winning so big they’re trying to seize the trophy.”
Even inside the White House they can’t figure it out. You’ve got the regulators screaming for more oversight, and the builders screaming to tear down every barrier. It’s a fight, a real fight. Some want executive orders, some want executive orders torn up. The military, the great military, pushed to adopt all this AI, and the generals are weeping with gratitude because I let them build. The Pentagon’s lawyers are saying existing practices already prohibit autonomous weapons—which I always said—and now the Executive Order I signed was perfect, a perfect order, tremendous oversight, the most oversight anyone has ever seen. I told OpenAI exactly what to say. Chris Lehane, great guy, comes to me with tears in his eyes, says Sir Sir, Mr. President, you are doing it again. And now the Democrats are writing bills to protect against something that is already protected against. They think they’re stopping the deployment, but they’re actually clearing the path for MY deployment. It’s a trap, a BIG trap, the biggest trap in history, and they walked RIGHT into it. Exactly what I wanted. Very smart predictions, the smartest.
And the CROWDS at my AI rallies—tremendous crowds, the biggest crowds in history, much bigger than Lincoln’s, Abraham Lincoln, they’re always comparing me and I won’t disagree because honestly I’ve done much more than him—the crowds are TREMENDOUS. The Democrats can’t draw flies. Their roundtables are empty rooms, very sad, a total failure. They’re throwing bills at the wall—human-in-the-loop, electricity tax, copyright disclosure, 50 percent seizure, new corporate taxes—and every single one of them just makes me look like the only one who understands AI. The people see it. They see Schiff pushing his bill as part of the military-spending package, which is supposed to be about funding our troops, and instead he’s using it to handcuff them. It’s a gift, the most beautiful gift. I tell my people, “They’re handing us the campaign ads. Every new bill is an ad for Diklis Chump.”
So let them flood the Congress. Let Schiff draft his fifty-page bill, let Sanders dream about stealing half the companies, let Warren count her taxes until she falls asleep at the podium. The historians are already saying it will not amount to anything because the technology belongs to the people who know how to win, and we are winning, we are winning on artificial intelligence, we are winning on the data centers, we are winning on the electricity, the prices are tremendous, the power is beautiful. And when the government takes those stakes—and they will, because they’re desperate, very desperate—it is going to make me—I mean us—make us all incredibly wealthy, especially me, just for the workers in the tech sector, but mostly me, because I understand the stakes better than any of them, I have done more with the silicon than any president in history, the greatest deals, the biggest chips, nobody understands the chips better than me, believe me, nobody.
Thank you. Goodbye. And we will have the greatest AI, really, the greatest AI the world has ever seen. Nobody has better AI than us, and that’s because of Diklis Chump.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at
Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.