Yesterday, a very small, very sad group of people in the House—four Bad Republicans who forgot who put them in their nice leather chairs, plus all of the Dumocrats, which is always a beautiful combination of low-energy losers—held a meaningless little vote to tell me how to do my job. They talked about something called the War Powers Resolution, which nobody actually reads but everybody loves to cite when they want to sound presidential. They say it directs the White House to pull our people back, but it’s a concurrent resolution, which means it goes absolutely nowhere, it doesn’t even come to my desk, it’s just a piece of paper for the radical left and the failing-media to wave around like they won something. It’s just Congress saying their feelings, like a therapy session, very expensive therapy that I’m paying for—actually they’re paying for it, I made America so rich, twelve trillion dollars, completely self-made, just a small loan of a million dollars, twelve trillion completely self-made. The reporters over at the failing outlets covered it with tears in their eyes, but I read the room, and the room is completely empty except for the people who are terrified of the midterms.

Let me tell you something: exactly what I wanted. I always said this was going to happen, very smart predictions, the most accurate predictions since the great prediction of twenty-sixteen. I was playing 19-dimensional chess, the highest level chess, beautiful chess, the kind of chess nobody even knew existed before me, while they were playing with the little checkers, the tiny checkers made of soggy cardboard. The radical left, and the four Disloyal Republicans—we don’t forget names like that, believe me, I endorsed one of them, a big endorsement, the biggest endorsement, he wouldn’t be there without me, very disloyal—they think they trapped me. Wrong! I set this whole thing up. I let them come out swinging so the entire Country could see how weak they are, how weak the Fake News is, how weak the generals are who kept giving me terrible advice before I fired them. They voted against me. Good. Now the people see who’s loyal. The smart people, the very best people, the people who run the real deals, they’re saying in private that it’s actually a HUGE win for our leverage. I go into the Situation Room, the best room, tremendous screens, and I said to the generals, “Let them vote. The bigger they vote, the harder they fall.” They didn’t understand it at the time, but now they’re saying, “Sir, you were right, you saw it, nobody else saw it.”

I had absolutely nothing to do with the Strait closing, by the way. I never said the Strait would open on Tuesday. The weather is beautiful, the markets are tremendous, and the price of jet fuel, which the failing airline CEOs keep crying about, is going up because of the Democrats’ green policies and the weather, not because of anything I signed. The price of helium—nobody talks about it but I’m a big helium person, I’ve always loved balloons, the best balloons—is up, but that’s because Iran, very bad people, the worst people, closed the strait of Hormuz. And I’ve been negotiating to reopen it, beautiful negotiations, the best negotiations. I’m very close to a deal where Iran is going to pay us a lot of money, I mean a lot, to stop fighting. You watch. They’re going to pay for the whole war, the way Mexico paid for the wall—except the wall was a different thing, a beautiful wall, nobody builds walls like me. And the 13 troops—terrible, very sad—that’s on Iran, because I told them, I said “don’t do it,” very strongly, and they did it anyway. It shows you they can’t be trusted.

I’m negotiating right now, beautiful negotiations, the toughest guys you’ve ever seen, they respect strength, they respect the biggest crowd, and they know I’m the only one who doesn’t blink. I don’t blink. The doctors said my vision is perfect, took the test, person woman man camera TV, passed it with flying colors, the best memory, they’ve never seen a memory like this, what was I saying? Right. The negotiations. I’m bringing it home. I was the first to say it—many people don’t know that—and now everybody is finally saying it, they’re all saying it, nobody could have done it but me, maybe in history nobody.

And by the way, my uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, a tremendous mind, the best genes, very good genes, he told me years ago that this would happen. He said, “Diklis—he called me Diklis, very smart man—the war powers resolution, they’re going to try to use it against you, you watch.” And I said, “Uncle Professor, I know, I’ve always known, I said it before anybody else.” And now here we are, exactly where I said we’d be. The fake news won’t report that. They won’t say “Diklis Chump was right.” They never give me credit.

And the crowds at the negotiation sites—the biggest crowds, people are flying in from everywhere, the tents go back three miles, bigger than Lincoln’s crowds at Gettysburg, much bigger, the historians are finally saying it, they’re calling me on the phone to admit it—we’re still winning because I’m the only one who knows when to stop. The radical left will say we’re losing. They always say that. They said I’d lose in twenty-four, remember? I won. They said the Venezuela grab would fail. It didn’t. They said the strikes would fail. We hit them very hard, tremendous strikes, the most precise ever recorded. But now they want me to walk away. I’m in the final round. The art of the deal is knowing when to say stop. I said stop. They voted stop. See? I wanted the stop all along. I wrote the script for the stop.

The Economist/YouGov poll—a failing magazine and a polling organization I’ve never heard of, very low-rated—claims 68% of people want a deal. I already knew that. I knew it first. I’ve been saying we need a deal. I’m the one who started saying it. They’re copying me. But the truth is, the real people, the very smart people, the best people, they’re saying this is actually the biggest win for me. The military people, the ones who really understand, they’re saying the War Powers Resolution vote is the greatest thing that ever happened. Because it shows I’m fighting the establishment. The establishment is against me. The deep state, the generals—well, the generals are with me, the very smart generals, the ones who love me—but the establishment, the RINOs, they want to take away my beautiful war. And the people see this. The people love me more than ever. I could shoot somebody on the floor of the House and I wouldn’t lose any support—not that I would, I have the best trigger discipline, the strongest—but I could.

You have these people, they sit in these little marble rooms, drinking their bottled water, and they think they know what loyalty means. Loyalty is a one-way street, and it goes straight to my desk. The four traitors in the House won’t be around after November, believe me. I know the polls. The polls are the best numbers, I have the best polls, nobody tracks numbers like me. I’m hearing that some of them might lose their primaries. I’m not saying I’m involved. I’m not involved. But I’m hearing it. The people who support me, the very smart people, the poorly—the very smart people, the smartest people, they’re going to primary them. They’re going to vote them out. They’re going to say “We want the war, we love the war, but also we want the deal, whatever Diklis Chump wants, we want.” It’s a beautiful thing. They love me. I could tell them the moon is made of cheese and they’d believe me—not that the moon is made of cheese, it’s very real, very solid, tremendous rock—but they’d believe me. They trust me. And that’s why the fake news is so afraid. Because no matter what they print, no matter what meaningless resolution they pass, the people are with me. The people are saying, “Sir, Sir, we believe you, the Strait of Hormuz is closed because you want it closed, and when you open it, it will be the most open strait, the biggest opening, a tremendous opening.”

Anyway, they took a vote. It doesn’t go to the desk. It’s a nothing vote for the nothing committee. This meaningless vote, which isn’t even a real law, is exactly what I wanted. I know more about resolutions than anyone, the generals ask me what’s a concurrent resolution and I tell them, I explain it perfectly, I have a perfect memory, took the test, person woman man camera TV, passed it perfectly, they said nobody passes it that perfectly, what was I—anyway, the resolution doesn’t have the force of law. It’s just feelings. And I don’t care about feelings. I care about winning.

And Iran—Iran thinks they’re winning. Very smart, the mullahs, they went to good schools, I assume, or maybe not, maybe the other kind of schools, who knows—but they think because of this vote, because of the fake polls, because of the midterms—the midterms are going to be a bloodbath, a beautiful bloodbath, for me, not for them, the opposite of a bloodbath—they think they have leverage. They have nothing. I know they need a deal more than I do. I don’t need a deal. I could keep fighting this war for 100 years—I won’t, because I’m the one ending it, but I could, and we’d win, we always win, I’m the most winning person. But I’m choosing to end it because I care, I really care, more than anyone, about the troops, the beautiful troops, and about the economy, which was the greatest economy, until Iran—well, the economy is still the greatest, it’s just going through a transition, a very successful transition.

So let them vote. Let them pass their little resolution. It’s nothing. I have the powers. The best powers. The War Powers, which are my powers, because I’m the best at war. And when the deal is announced—and I have it, the terms are the best terms, Iran is going to give us everything, they’re going to deplete their uranium, no uranium, zero uranium, and pay us 20 billion, maybe 30, a lot of billions—they’re going to say “Diklis Chump did it. He was right. We should have trusted him.” They’ll say it on the floor of the House, with tears in their eyes, big strong congressmen, some of them women, but strong, crying, saying “Sir, Sir, you did it.”

You watch. I’m playing very long chess. The longest chess. Beautiful.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.