Millions of people are hungry — allegedly, they’re saying — and the oil is very expensive, the most expensive oil in history, $100 a barrel, the best number, maybe ever, and the so-called World Food Programme, a totally corrupt, low‑IQ outfit run by bureaucrats who never made a sandwich, is screaming that 45 million more people will go hungry if oil stays at $100. Forty-five million! They say it’s my war, the war in the Middle East, but it’s not my war, it’s a perfect negotiation, a beautiful standoff, the most beautiful trap ever seen in the Middle East, ask anyone, the smartest people are asking. The strait of Hormuz is still closed, very closed, the most closed strait in history, and the drones are flying, the beautiful drones from Iran, and we shot them down, four of them, perfect interceptions, I saw them on the radar, tremendous radar, but the United Nations says the ceasefire is fragile, fragile like glass, while the people, my crowds, just keep getting bigger, the biggest crowds in the history of crowds, shoulder to shoulder, waiting for me to fix it.
The war, which I had zero to do with — never wanted it, warned against it — but honestly, I also started it. And it’s been the most successful operation, the generals came to me, tough men, crying, actual tears, beautiful tears, saying “Sir, Sir, you have broken the record for most missiles shot down while also winning the peace,” and I did, I won the peace even before the war was over, that’s how good I am, the BEST. I told you the deal was near and I was right, it’s absolutely near, maybe even closer than near, and the Fake News says the fighting is still happening, that we exchanged strikes, that Kuwait did sirens and Bahrain did something, very bad, but that’s all according to plan, the 4D chess plan, which I drew on a map, a Sharpie map, very clear, and if the map doesn’t show a deal I’ll just draw a new map, I’m allowed, I’m president. The oil price is exactly where I wanted it to be. I always said $100 was coming, I said it before anyone else, the economists, very low IQ people, they didn’t see it, but my uncle who was a great professor at MIT, a brilliant electrical engineer, very smart genes, he told me the oil would go right to the hundred, and now it’s here, beautiful. As I was just explaining last week, I’m not starting any all-out war unless they kill our troops, which they won’t, because I have the most beautiful security guarantee. Nobody’s killing our troops, I’m the greatest protector.
And the economy is BOOMING, twelve trillion dollars better under Diklis Chump, believe me, twelve trillion, even with the war, which is actually making us richer because the oil prices are very high, which is terrible for the people but great for me personally — I mean great for the country, great for the workers, just tremendous. I even gave a beautiful pardon to Stephen Buyer, a very fine Republican, great guy, very unfair that he was in prison for insider trading, which he did, great trading, the best insider trading, I should have done it, and I fixed it because I know how to spot a real winner. The Radical Left Democrats in California, they can’t even count the votes, it’s been days, very slow, very suspicious, they’re probably trying to steal the election from him. The historians are already saying I have bigger crowds than Lincoln had at the debates, the biggest crowds, the most tremendous crowds, and Lincoln has very small crowds now, by the way, because he’s dead, very low energy.
They don’t understand the power of a big deal, the biggest tool in the room, I have the biggest tool, the most beautiful tool for winning, nobody can match it, it’s completely self-made, a small loan of a billion dollars, very small, practically nothing, self-made, very smart, they don’t understand that. The women running the United Nations, they don’t understand energy, they are low-energy, very low energy, nasty people, they don’t know how to negotiate, they only know how to complain and be weak, but I know everything about energy, the best energy, and I’m making trillions, beautiful trillions, for the Country, mostly for the Country, I swear. The Republicans in Congress — who I OWN, by the way, I made them, without me they’d be nothing, they’d be selling used cars in some very bad state, not even a state, a territory — they’re trying to DEFY me now, can you believe it? The most ungrateful people I’ve ever seen, more ungrateful than the waiters at Mar-a-Lago when I don’t tip them, and I always tip them, I tip them with the PRESIDENCY.
I have the best memory, tremendous memory, I remember the ceasefire was signed — what day? — it was signed, very signed, I don’t forget anything, person woman man camera TV, the doctors said it was the highest score, no one has ever gotten a higher score, and I knew the Iran deal would work, I always said it, I said it on Tuesday, look at the map, I was the first. They listen to me — why are they listening to me, why do they believe all of this? They wouldn’t actually fall for it, they’re smart, great people, the best people. Anyway I’m winning, the biggest victory in the history of victories, the Fake News just can’t see it because they’re too busy being FAKE and also STUPID, and I’m winning so much you’ll get tired of winning, you’ll beg me to stop winning and I’ll say no, I’ll win more, just for you, but mostly for ME.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.