They are saying terrible things about the ballroom — the FAKE NEWS is complaining, very failing, the most failing, saying it’s too big, saying four times the size of the house is unreasonable, but the truth is the house was too small, and we had to fix it, and I’m fixing it because NO ONE ELSE WILL. That’s what Jesse said on the television, and Jesse knows, he’s a very smart person, much smarter than the low‑IQ reporters writing the columns, and they’re crying, they’re actually crying because they can’t get their names on anything. The naysayers want to keep the monuments small, they want to keep the stories quiet, they want to erase the heroes — but I’m not letting them. We are building the Garden of Heroes to honor 250 American heroes along the National Mall and we are rushing it, we are rushing it because the 250th is coming and they said it couldn’t be done, but Diklis Chump is getting it done. Even the Columbus statue, they sued — Columbus, Ohio, a very nice place, but they sued — and I said let them sue, we’re putting it right where it belongs. And the Caesar Rodney statue, Delaware, a tremendous patriot, they tried to erase him, I’m putting him back, the garden is going to have the greatest Americans, the ones I pick, because I have the best taste, and Martin — MLK, a tremendous man, very can‑do — I’m honoring him, and the failing New York Times says it’s a “Faustian bargain,” sounds like a bad deal, but I’m giving history away for free, tremendous value.

They call it authoritarian because I didn’t ask them for permission, can you believe that? Since when do you need permission to build something beautiful? The artists, the stonemasons, the toughest, best workers in the country — they came to me, and they said Sir, Sir, we will pour the concrete, we will carve the marble, we will do it faster than anyone has ever done it, and we are doing it faster than the Lincoln memorial, which by the way was slow, so slow, took decades, pathetic, we’re doing it in months. The reflecting pool is going to be the color of a beautiful Bahamian ocean, the most beautiful blue you’ve ever seen, and the people are saying this blue will make the Washington Monument look brand new, which it will, because nobody knows stone like I know stone, my uncle was a great professor at MIT, very smart genes, he told me when I was a boy that granite remembers everything, so we’re using the best granite, massive granite, bigger than anything the historians have ever seen.

And the arch — the Freedom arch — we’re building the arch, and my uncle, a great professor at MIT, much smarter than the professor they had for that arch in France — a terrible arch, very weak, people don’t go there anymore — he told me it’s the STRONGEST structure, the best arch ever. The surveyors had to measure it, and the lawsuit says it’s illegal, but I told the judge, very nice judge, I said you’re going to love it, it’s exactly what we wanted all along, I always said we were going to build an arch, I knew about it before the Constitution was written, I’m playing 4D chess: I knew they’d sue the arch, so I told the surveyors to stake the corners exactly fifteen feet inside the restricted line, and now the judge has to say it’s legal and I win again.

Meanwhile the crowds, the crowds are going to be so big you’ve never seen anything like it, millions, tens of millions, the biggest crowds in the history of the world, much bigger than Lincoln’s crowds, the historians are finally admitting it. My ballroom alone — 90,000 square feet, the biggest ballroom EVER, four times the size of the White House itself, which is a very nice house but frankly a little small — the capacity, I hear 2,500, maybe 3,000, the biggest ballroom ever, bigger than Versailles, bigger than Buckingham, privately funded, the numbers are astronomical, the best negotiation in history, many people are saying it’s the greatest construction deal ever. And the $250 bill — with my beautiful face on it, the most beautiful currency in history — they said you can’t put a living person on money, but that’s fake news, I’m the EXCEPTION, the greatest exception, and when people hold that bill, they’ll say “Sir, Sir, thank you for this beautiful bill,” and they’ll weep with gratitude, I’ve seen it. The polls are through the roof, I’m hearing 95%, maybe 98%, the highest ever.

The fake news writers say there’s no consultation. Consultation? Who needs consultation when you have the vision? I walked into the Kennedy Center last week — beautiful place, they needed my help, the ratings were down, nobody was going — and I told them, put the name on it, put my name on it, and they said we can’t, and I said fine, I’ll walk, and they panicked, they are panicking right now because they know without me it’s just an empty room. The workers won’t understand how beautiful it is anyway — the guys with the shovels, they’re good people, very good, they won’t get it, they’re just laying stone, why are they here anyway, who knows, but mostly me, it’s mostly for me, I mean us, but mostly me, and the best people, the highest authorities, are telling me the inscriptions will be perfect, we’re going to write Martin fought for justice, which he did, and we’re not writing any of the nasty stuff because the nasty stuff is fake, the fake stuff is fake news, and we won, we’re winning so much.

Diklis Chump is building the legacy, they said Diklis Chump couldn’t do it in two hundred fifty days, they said the marble would crack, they said the concrete would set wrong, but we’re using the biggest tools, the most tremendous tools, and they’re saying it’s going to crack, but it won’t crack, I have the best memory, perfect memory, I remember every stone, person woman man camera TV, I remember the exact shade of Bahamian blue, nobody has a better memory, the doctors said nobody’s ever seen a memory like mine, and I told them, build the arch, build it four times bigger than they want, and if they say it’s too big, I’ll draw on the map, I’ll take the Sharpie and I’ll draw the border right where the ballroom ends, and it’s done.

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in‑novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression‑by‑exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen‑name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY‑DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.