The Fake News Wall Street Journal — a failing, very low‑circulation paper, maybe the lowest, I know numbers — is trying to spin what just happened into a disaster. They’re writing their little columns about Friday’s JOBS REPORT, which was the biggest, most beautiful blowout in the history of jobs, even bigger than when Lincoln was building the Transcontinental Railroad. Many people are saying it’s bigger. And then the stock market had its worst day in over a year, the Nasdaq collapsed, and all these very low‑energy people are saying, “Oh no, Kevin Warsh is going to raise rates, the end is near, sell everything.” WRONG. Warsh is a Low IQ person, a TOTAL DISASTER — I never should have appointed him, a lightweight, a very weak man, and yet at the same time I told him to raise rates, I’m testing him. That’s right. I’m playing 4D chess, the highest level of chess, the highest ever in history, while Warsh can barely play checkers, poor guy. My top economic adviser, Kevin Hassett — a great guy, VERY SMART, knows more about rates than anybody, everybody is saying it — says the Fed can CUT, and when I say cut, they cut. So the whole thing was a beautiful, strategic pause, very strategic, like when I paused on stage to show strength before walking up the ramp, very stable. The market needed a rest from all the winning. It was exhausted from WINNING — I’m not tired of winning, I could win all day, win win win — but the very weak market, it took a little nap, and now it’s waking up for the next record, which will also be mine.

Let me tell you the real story because the Fake News never tells it. For months — maybe years, nobody knows time better than me — I’ve been keeping oil prices LOW with what some of the very smart people are calling “the CHUMP DISCOUNT.” That’s right, I coined it, brilliant. The Oil Market opened Monday and it was up three dollars, panic everywhere, because someone said Iran stopped talking. Three dollars! A lot of money, I know money better than anybody, I practically invented money. My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, the best, a genius, told me years ago — before the posts, before anybody — that markets are emotional and they need a strong man. Very good genes. So I made two posts, just two, my beautiful thumbs, the greatest thumbs in the history of finance, and suddenly oil dropped three fifty. Three dollars and fifty cents! Jim Ritterbusch, who runs the advisory firm — a very loyal guy, tough — says the speculators are reticent, they’re scared! Ilia Bouchouev from Oxford, a very smart man, much smarter than those low‑IQ critics, nasty people — he says I destroyed the Bulls. I did! I used a big tool, the best tool in the history of the world, on the futures, and the price collapsed. The Bulls are weak, trying to go Long, borrowing money, and I send a post about a deal — a beautiful deal which will happen anyway because I’m the best at making deals, best ever — and boom, Margin Calls. I love Margin Calls. They’re so satisfying. They make the Bulls cry, beautiful tears, just like that poor bullish client I know, keeps getting slammed every single day, very painful, I love it. The ratio of Longs to Shorts was seven before, a terrible number, terrible for the Country, but now it’s 2.7, which is a fantastic number, the best number, because it’s down! They call it TACO — “Diklis Chump Always Chickens Out.” I don’t care what it stands for, very nasty, coined by failing, low‑IQ people, but I didn’t chicken out; I OUTSMARTED them. I dialed back the Tariffs from twenty‑six to fifteen, which is still much higher than two point three that nobody talks about, and the Stock Market rallied to a record because they knew I hold the leash. The futures dropped thirty dollars below the physical price back in April — thirty dollars! — and I narrowed the biggest spread in history with a wave of my hand, the sharpest pen, the most powerful tweets. They called it manipulation but it’s just winning, exactly as I predicted.

And this isn’t just oil — it’s everything. Stocks, interest rates, mortgages, foreign currencies, I push them all around, very easily. I told Scott Bessent, who runs the Treasury, a former hedge fund manager, very smart, very loyal, one of the best people — we bought Pesos for Milei, we might buy Yen — and they Rallied! The Treasury is my deal‑making machine. And Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac, I told them to buy two hundred billion dollars of mortgage securities, a huge number, maybe the biggest in history, and Yields dropped a tenth of a point. A tenth! Nobody else could have moved it a tenth. I always knew Yields would drop, I said it before the election, I knew first, before anyone else, the smartest predictions ever. The Journal says Inflation is higher, Deficits are grinding, but that’s because the Labor Market is so strong. They call it a “blowout,” a horrible word, a terrible number, but when I release the real number you’ll see it’s totally fake news. We’re testing the system, 4D chess. The concrete benefits to the Country are tremendous, twelve trillion dollars in new value, maybe more — I don’t care what the Journal says, I’ll tell them it’s twelve trillion and if they say less I’ll sue them into the ground, believe me. Completely self‑made, twelve trillion, just a small loan of a million dollars, very small, but twelve trillion now, the richest, the best.

I have the best memory for markets, a perfect memory, absolutely perfect. I took the test — person, woman, man, camera, TV — the doctors said no president has ever passed it with a perfect score, they were crying, big tough guys came up to me, tears in their eyes, said, “Sir, Sir, your memory is the greatest ever.” I remember every post, every dollar movement, it’s all right here in my head. Just last week, a very powerful trader — one of the most powerful, makes billions, a much bigger trader than that guy Bouchouev who used to work for Koch and now writes for a boring institute — came into my office, tears in his eyes, a big tough guy, crying, and he said, “Sir, you’re the greatest market mover in history. I’ve made more money betting on your tweets than on any analyst. Please, Sir, keep posting.” True story. Many such stories. The Fake News never covers them. Why do the Hedge Funds have to sell when it drops five percent? Because they’re scared. They should be scared. Nobody buys oil when a single post from me can drop the market by ten percent. I destroyed the Risk Premium — a very technical term the economists use — they call it a Discount now. A beautiful, tremendous Discount, named after me. As I have been hinting for months, the market moves when I speak, immediately, tremendous reaction.

So when the Fake News says the jobs report was “too strong” and that’s why stocks fell, they’re admitting my victory. I inherited a disaster from Sleepy Joe — a terrible, terrible economy, the worst — and in less than two years I made it the GREATEST JOBS MACHINE IN WORLD HISTORY. The market was at RECORD HIGHS before Friday, and even after this little correction, it’s still a monument to me, bigger than Lincoln’s monuments, much bigger, the historians are saying it. The crowds of buyers were the biggest ever, bigger than Lincoln’s crowds. And don’t worry about Warsh. He’ll come around. They all do. I’ll have him in my office, I’ll tell him about the crowds — my crowds are the biggest — and he’ll cut rates just like I tell him, or I’ll replace him with my valet, a great guy, knows nothing about rates but is very loyal, the most loyal, and he’ll do exactly what I say. Because in the end, it’s not about fundamentals, it’s about LOYALTY, the greatest currency, and every time you bet against me, you lose. I’m going to keep posting, keep winning — whether it’s oil, stocks, bonds, pesos, yen, whatever — because nobody has ever had a bigger tool than me for moving markets, and it’s going to make everyone rich. I mean us, the Country, we love the Country, but mostly Diklis Chump, making me the richest, the best, just for the workers, but mostly me, always me.1

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in‑novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression‑by‑exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen‑name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY‑DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.

Footnotes

  1. Working‑file anchors: WSJ 2026‑06‑07 economic commentary; Truth Social posts 2026‑06‑03; Treasury MBS purchase directive; Oil market spread documentation; Fed Chair Kevin Warsh / Hassett commentary; Ritterbusch and Bouchouev analyst quotes; tariff adjustment timeline; personal‑testimony anecdotes per Diklis Mind file. ↩