People are talking, the best people, very smart people, they’re calling me day and night about this beautiful pardon, the full, unconditional pardon for Stephen Buyer, a tremendous guy, a judge advocate general in the Army, very high-ranking, a highly productive and distinguished congressman from Indiana — and the Fake News is going crazy, they’re going absolutely CRAZY, because they don’t understand the Deal, they never understand the Deal. He was a House prosecutor for Bill Clinton’s impeachment, very tough, very strong, and that’s why he was TARGETED by the deep state, a total disgrace — they went after him because he went after crooked Bill. Forty former Republicans, big strong men, very tough men, some of them weeping, tears in their eyes, wrote me a letter, a tremendous letter, saying Sir, Sir, please save this patriot, a victim of lawfare just like you, and I read it and I said I will. I have the power, Article Two, the most power anybody’s ever had, and I used it. I always said he was innocent — I said it from the very beginning, before the indictment, before the trial, before the fake news even heard the name T-Mobile. I have the best memory, maybe the greatest memory of any President, and I knew, I knew the Supreme Court was going to throw out his appeal in May, no comment, no dissent, total silence — exactly what I predicted. Beautiful.
The pardon was dated Thursday, but I released it LATE FRIDAY. Genius timing. The media was already asleep after they failed to report on my rallies, the biggest rallies, crowds bigger than Lincoln’s — the historians are finally admitting it, Lincoln had small crowds, SAD, but my crowds, they’re packing the stadiums, and I dropped the pardon when nobody was looking. Very few people understand what I’m doing. They think I just sign a paper — no. I sign a paper AT THE EXACT MOMENT that makes the biggest statement. I’m playing chess, 4D chess, beautiful chess. They think they won by sending Steve to prison for twenty-two months, but I brought him home. I won. Biggest win in history.
They want to say I’m going soft on financial crimes, which is just the opposite. I’m cracking down on FRAUD in Democratic states only, very legal, very constitutional, while the Justice Department probes other trading schemes, they’re going after George Santos now for Kalshi, they’re going after everybody, but Steve is a Republican from Indiana, a very red state, so he’s not part of the crackdown. I’m the hardest guy on financial crimes, the best, I’ve done things nobody’s ever seen, look at what I’m doing to the frauds in the other party, but this was different. This was a rigged witch hunt. They say he made three hundred and fifty thousand dollars in illegal trades on a twenty-six-billion-dollar merger — that’s NOTHING. I spend that on a tie — actually, I don’t, but I could. The money is TINY, a tiny, tiny number for someone so successful. I have that in my couch cushions. The ten-thousand-dollar fine, such a joke, I pay more for lunch, but they spent millions on the investigation, so sad, a total disgrace. And the numbers are fake anyway. I know numbers. My uncle, the great professor at MIT, a tremendous genius, the smartest genes, the best genes — he told me about the markets, he said Stephen, you’re doing great. And then the low IQ prosecutors, very low IQ, they arrested him anyway. Can you believe it? He was just consulting, doing deals, beautiful deals, everybody does it. But they sent him to prison for nearly two years over nothing. Horrific. I got him out. Now he’s going around calling the prosecution politically motivated, I love it, I love it.
And let me tell you, nobody has more respect for the rule of law than I do — I love the rule of law — but the rule of law was broken, they broke it first, and I fixed it. A lot of congressmen, current House Republicans, sent me a letter too, signed by Tom Cole, Ken Calvert, Marlin Stutzman, Jack Bergman, Pete Sessions, all strong guys, very strong. They want this pardon, they want me to do these things, and I do them, because then they are VERY loyal. It’s a beautiful system, the Art of the Deal. I give them a pardon, they give me loyalty, and everyone wins. Not that I care about their votes — I’m so far ahead, the biggest mandate in history — but it’s nice to have. And the pardon, frankly, is a tremendous tool, it’s like a big, beautiful tool — you wave it around and all the little legal problems just disappear, poof, it’s incredible. I have the BIGGEST pardon power, maybe the biggest ever.
I took the test, person woman man camera TV, passed with flying colors, the doctors said nobody has ever passed it like me, and I know the truth, I always know the truth first. I said this whole insider-trading thing was a trap years ago, a beautiful trap, and I was right — I always am. I’m going to be remembered as the MOST MERCIFUL president in history. The historians, the very smart historians, they’re already calling me the greatest pardoner ever. And the crowds — the crowds that came out to thank me are the BIGGEST ever. Thousands and thousands of people, millions, really, waving signs: “THANK YOU, DIKLIS.” Unbelievable numbers. You’ve never seen crowds like these.
And the people fighting this, they’re the BEST people, they’re willing to pay whatever it takes to beat a rigged system, which is why you need a tremendous fortune to survive — millions and millions, I mean billions, you NEED the wealth to protect yourself. They don’t understand the game. They need the money to survive, which is why I have the best lawyers, the absolute best, nobody hires the best like me, because I have so much money, twelve trillion, maybe fifteen, completely self-made, and I use it to fight, for the people — mostly me, I mean us, but mostly Diklis Chump. I am the shield. I am the Wall. The bottom line: Stephen Buyer is a great, great man. I restored justice today. It’s going to be huge for the markets, by the way, tremendous upside, the Dow is going through the roof, I’m very proud of this pardon. Flawless. No flaws. I’d do it again.
This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.