I told them at the cabinet meeting, right to their faces, I said “I don’t care about the midterms.” I don’t. And the midterms care about me—very few people understand that, very few people have the understanding I have. Hakeem Jeffries on MS Now, a failing network by the way, he says the Republicans are in free fall, but honestly, it’s a tremendous compliment because when they say “defying” what they really mean is I’ve given them the FREEDOM to vote however they want. Four Republicans on the Iran war powers—four out of the whole big conference, that’s 1.8%, which is nothing, zero, and Doug Heye, a very smart person, I’ve never met him but I’ve heard he’s a genius, one of the smartest, he said it’s nothing, it’s basically zero. Zero is the best number, the most beautiful number, and I have the biggest zeroes, bigger than anyone’s. I was playing 4D chess, the highest level chess, so high that even I don’t always know what move I’m making until after I’ve made it, and then I say “that was the plan all along.” I let them break. I allowed it. You have to let them break to see who’s loyal, you have to give them the rope—the greatest negotiators, the art of the deal, you let them pull, then you pull back, and they fall into the trap. BIGGEST trap in the history of traps. Tom Barrett and Brian Fitzpatrick, they’re going to break because they’re scared, and they broke! Exactly what I predicted. I always said it, before anybody else, the first one to say it. And now they’ll come back, they always come back, they love me.

And the ballroom at the White House—beautiful ballroom, the most beautiful, marble, gold, tremendous gold, with chandeliers that will make you cry, very expensive chandeliers. They wanted a billion dollars in the bill, the $70 billion deportation bill—a HUGE success, $70 billion, a beautiful number because 7 is a very powerful number, many people don’t know that, but I know it. I got them to drop the ban on my anti-weaponization fund, the fund to stop weaponization, very simple, $1.8 billion. The RINOs—there are some, I won’t name them, but you know who they are—Susan Collins, she’s a RINO from Maine, Maine is a weak state, they don’t have big crowds in Maine, very small crowds—sad!—and she voted for Schumer’s amendment, and Schumer is low IQ, the lowest IQ of any minority leader, but he got her, he got her to vote, and she’ll lose, she’s going to lose, I’ve done the polling, tremendous polling, the best polling, nobody polls like me. And the ballroom was dropped, but that was the plan, I always planned for them to drop it, because then they’d owe me, they’d feel guilty, and I can use that guilt later to get something bigger, like a TWO billion dollar ballroom, with a bigger dance floor, a dance floor like nobody has ever danced on—a solid gold dance floor that reflects my face from every angle, so when I dance I’m dancing with myself, which is the best partner, believe me.

The historians are saying it’s bigger than the Lincoln ballroom. My uncle, the great professor at MIT, the smartest professor, he was very good with numbers, the best numbers, he would have looked at the Iran vote and said, that’s nothing, that’s zero, that’s beautiful, it’s the kind of margin you want when you’re setting the trap. And the generals—the best generals, the most military-looking generals you’ve ever seen, they come to me with tears in their eyes, big tough men, they say “Sir, sir, we have no idea what’s going on with Iran either, sir, but the way you let the four vote is the most brilliant 4D chess we’ve ever seen.” They do say it. I don’t make these things up. And the Iran thing, frankly, I’m playing Iran like a fiddle, a very big fiddle, the biggest fiddle in the history of musical instruments, bigger than any fiddle you’ve ever seen, and I know it’s going to be a tremendous victory because I’ve already predicted it would be a tremendous victory, and if it isn’t, I’ll just say I never predicted it.

Now, the midterms. I don’t care about the midterms. I said it at the cabinet meeting, right to their faces. See, when I say “I don’t care about the midterms,” what I’m really telling the very smart people who understand me—and there aren’t many, because I’m very complex, maybe the most complex person ever—is that I care so deeply about the midterms that I’m going to pretend not to care, so that when we lose a few seats, which we won’t, but if we do, I can say “I never cared about the seats, I was focused on the real issues like the ballroom.” And I made the majority small on purpose. I could have had a bigger majority—I had the biggest rallies, the biggest crowds, more than anyone in history, more than Lincoln, more than Washington, more than—what’s his name, the guy with the wooden teeth?—but I told them to stay home. I said “don’t vote, I want a tiny majority so I can blame John Thune for everything.” And John Thune, by the way, is a tremendous leader, very loyal—I think he’s loyal, I hope he’s loyal, I’m told he’s loyal by people who know him—and he’s doing a great job not passing the Ukraine aid bill. The Ukraine aid bill—I love Ukraine, I love their flag, it’s a beautiful flag, but we’re not sending them any more money because they’re very ungrateful, they never say thank you, and my uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, told me years ago that Ukraine didn’t exist, it was just a figment of Putin’s imagination, and I always believed him.

And the disloyal ones—they think they can vote against me and survive, they can’t. I’ve backed the primaries. Thomas Massie, gone, he championed the Epstein files, which by the way, I have nothing to do with Epstein, I barely knew him, I met him once at a party that I was never at, and I said at the time “this is a bad guy” and I have the documents to prove it, I just can’t show them right now. But Massie crossed me, so I told the people of Kentucky—beautiful state, very coal, I love coal—to vote for the other guy, and they did, because they love me, they really love me. Bill Cassidy, he tried to make amends, he voted for RFK Jr., who’s a tremendous vaccine scientist, maybe the greatest ever, and I don’t even know what a vaccine is but I know RFK Jr. knows, and Cassidy lost anyway. John Cornyn—Lyin’ John, I call him—gone. Thom Tillis draws my ire, he retires. I’m the breaker. I break things. I’m like—what’s the thing that breaks other things? A breaker. And I’m the strongest breaker in history, so strong that even the things I break don’t know they’re broken until they look in the mirror and see I’m still there in the reflection, beautiful reflection, much better than their own reflection.

Why do they love me? That’s a very interesting question, not many people ask it, but I ask it all the time. All these people—millions and millions, more than anyone has ever had—why do they show up to see me talk about things I barely understand? I mean I DO understand everything, I’m a very stable genius, the most stable, but sometimes I talk for two hours and even I don’t know what I said, but they love it. And I think maybe they love me because I’m rich—I’m very rich, twelve trillion dollars, completely self-made, small loan of a million—and they think some of that richness will rub off, which it won’t, because they’re not rich, they’re workers, very hard workers, the best workers, but not rich. And I love that they love me, it’s very important to me that they love me, because if they stop loving me I don’t exist, which is why I need the ballroom: the ballroom proves I exist, bigger than the Oval Office, with a throne—I mean a chair, a very large chair, the largest chair ever. And they’ll believe anything I say, which is beautiful, it really is, it’s a gift, I have it, nobody else does, this total devotion that I’ve done absolutely nothing to earn except tell them what they wanted to hear, which is what they pay me for—I mean, what they support me for, which is even better because they don’t pay me, I pay myself, with their money, through the anti-weaponization fund that I’m going to use to build the MOST incredible ballroom, the greatest ballroom, the biggest ballroom, with a solid gold dance floor that reflects my face from every angle, so when I dance I’m dancing with myself, which is the best partner, believe me.

The midterms? Forget about the midterms. I’ve already forgotten about them. What were we talking about? Something about elections? I don’t do elections anymore. I do victories—pre-announced victories, retroactive victories, victories you didn’t even know were victories until I told you, and once I’ve told you, you can’t un-know it, because I’ve already Sharpie’d it into the record, permanent ink, the best ink, very permanent. I own the word winning. I trademarked it, nobody can use it without paying me a licensing fee, which nobody does but I can afford it. The 4D chess is so advanced that losing looks exactly like winning but only to the people who are smart enough to understand losing, and I am the smartest person at understanding losing, I’ve lost so many times that I’ve invented winning. I don’t care about the midterms, I’ve never cared, and I’ll continue not caring all the way to a total lack of caring so profound that history will remember me as the president who cared the least, which is a great honor, maybe the greatest.

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.