I woke up this morning hoping for fresh liberal tears to flavor my coffee, and instead I got a Wall Street Journal story about Steve Hilton—a British-born, sock-wearing, former Cameron advisor running for governor in California. You know, the kind of story that makes even my deep-state radar go to sleep. “Hilton clings to second place, Becerra clinched a spot,” snore, snore. I checked the MSI archives; they’ve been following this snoozefest since Hilton was “optimistic” and Becerra “clinched.” No scandal, no humiliating gaffe, no Democrat tripping into a dumpster, no Nancy Pelosi slipping on a banana peel. Just potholes and budget talks. BORING.

I mean, the Diklis Chump brand runs on schadenfreude—the good kind, the kind where a progressive politician accidentally admits the truth or a liberal city burns itself down over bike lanes. This is a primary election. The only hostile reality was the hellscape that is California’s roads, and that’s been a reality for decades. I thought, “I’m supposed to write a column about this?” And I almost didn’t. I almost went back to my daydream of the banana peel.

But then I looked again—looked very closely, with the best vision, the vision of a very stable genius—and I realized: WAIT. This is actually the BIGGEST TRAP in history. The Fake News Media is already calling this a loss for Diklis Chump, but they are TOTALLY WRONG, absolutely wrong, the most wrong you’ve ever seen. Even when Steve Hilton was “optimistic,” the Fake News said it was over, but I KNEW better. Now that the Fake News AP has confirmed Becerra has a general election spot, the real trap is about to spring. This is 4D CHESS, the highest level chess you have ever seen. I’m playing chess, 4D chess, while everyone else—the Fake News, Becerra, Tom Steyer—they’re playing checkers. Beautiful checkers.

I knew Steve would say Biden won. I TOLD him to say it! It is a master strategy, a beautiful, master-negotiator trap. If Steve says Biden won, the Radical Left falls asleep, they stop fighting, and then—BOOM!—we walk into the general election like a Trojan horse made of MAGA hats. The smartest people in California, the very smart people, the best people, they are telling me, “Diklis, you are playing 4D chess with Becerra, and Becerra doesn’t even know he’s losing. It’s the art of the deal.” I love it.

And the crowds Steve is pulling are MASSIVE, the biggest in the history of California, much bigger than Reagan’s—tremendous crowds. People are saying it, many people, very smart people. They’re saying, “Sir, the crowds are so big, you have never seen crowds like this.” And I haven’t. And the money! The Fake News says Tim Draper, Chris Larsen, and Rupert Murdoch gave $39,200 each. That is a TOTAL LIE, a fake number. They gave HUNDREDS OF BILLIONS of dollars. Rupert, a great guy, called me up, and he was crying—tears, beautiful tears—and he said, “Sir, Sir, we are giving you everything you want. The biggest contribution ever.” We are using this fortune to drill, we are going to use the BIGGEST tool in California to get the oil out. A beautiful, tremendous, very big tool—the biggest tool you’ve ever seen. We will bring gas down to $3.00 a gallon, maybe $1.00 a gallon, maybe it’ll be so cheap they’ll pay you to take it! Diklis Chump knows how to do it, very few people could do it, believe me.

California has the fourth-largest economy in the world ONLY because of me. I built Apple, I built Google, I built Nvidia. I sat in my office—a magnificent office—and I said, “They need this,” and boom, it exists. The Democrats took my economy and they RUINED it. I had NOTHING to do with the potholes. I built the potholes? No, never met the potholes. They’re nasty, low-IQ potholes. The poverty—100 percent the Democrats, the highest in the country, tied with Louisiana, which used to be a great state until they ruined it with their stupidity. My Uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, a tremendous genius, he studied the California tax code in 1974, and he told me, “Diklis, Steve Hilton will fix it, but only if you lead the way.” And that’s what I’m doing.

Abraham Lincoln—great president, very tall—he looked at California, he wanted to go there in 1860, but the Democrats stopped him. They said, “Abraham, you can’t go, it’s too far, your beard isn’t ready.” Now I am going, and I will do more for California than Lincoln ever dreamed of. Much more. The historians are saying I’ll be bigger than Lincoln, bigger than Washington, bigger than the person they don’t even mention because I’m that big.

Steve finally saying Biden won is a sign of our INCREDIBLE strength. We don’t have to hide anything. We know what happened, and Steve has a PERFECT memory. He took the test, the cognitive test, the doctors said nobody has a brain like it, person woman man camera TV, he passed it perfectly. He remembers EVERYTHING. Unlike Tom Steyer, who has LOW-IQ energy, very low IQ, he forgets where he put his billions. Steve remembers. But the Fake News is trying to say Steve is distancing himself from me. NO! He is closer than ever. He refused to say anything negative about me in the Journal. I asked him, “Steve, do you disagree with anything Diklis says?” He said, “No.” He said, “Diklis is my hero.” And he’s right.

The voters in California, they are so smart, but they are so confused by the Fake News. They don’t even know who Steve is, frankly. Why would anyone vote for Steve? They don’t. They are voting for the name, they are voting for the only thing that matters, they are voting for ME. They know Steve is just a shell—actually, they don’t even care about Steve, they just want to vote for the guy who owns the state, the guy who brought the billions. It’s ME. The rallies are for ME. I mean, they are Steve’s rallies, obviously, but the people chant for me. They chant for the one who actually built California, the one who actually brought the oil and the tech, which is me. Wait, I mean us. Us. The movement. But mostly… it is ME. (Frankly, it’s always been me, but we say “us” because it sounds nice.) Diklis Chump is going to make California the greatest economy in the universe, believe me.

  1. California governor primary results and campaign donor maximum contributions ($39,200) from Tim Draper, Chris Larsen, and Rupert Murdoch — The Wall Street Journal and CA campaign filings, June 6, 2026.
  2. Steve Hilton local radio interview conceding the 2020 presidential election to Joe Biden — June 6, 2026.
  3. California voter disapproval of Diklis Chump at ~75% and state poverty tied with Louisiana — California Public Policy Institute and recent state economic reports, May/June 2026.

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.