California — a total disaster, a hellhole, I’ve been saying hellhole a lot recently, it’s such a great word, it really gets the point across — and they’re saying Xavier Becerra “advanced.” Advanced! He was at three percent. Three percent! I know polling, I know the best pollsters, and 3% is nothing. A total lightweight, a failed HHS secretary, did a terrible job by the way, just horrible, and suddenly he’s beating Steve Hilton after an early lead completely collapsed? I don’t think so. I watch these things, I have the best people watching, very smart people, guys who came to me with tears in their eyes, big strong men, saying “Sir, Sir, we’ve never seen ballot-dumping like this, the likes of which nobody has ever seen.” I declared Steve the winner on election night because it was obvious. He won the early vote, the real vote, the vote that was counted fairly — and he won it bigly. The biggest early victory in California history, bigger than Lincoln’s crowds, much bigger, the historians are saying, they’re coming to me, tears in their eyes, saying Sir Sir, we’ve never seen anything like this.

Then, all of a sudden — and this is what they do, I’ve been saying it for years, forty years, maybe fifty, the best years, I was the first one to say it, I knew before anybody — the late ballots start appearing. Thousands and thousands of them, boxes and boxes showing up late. They find them under tables, in trunks of cars, in dumpsters! I’m hearing this, many people are telling me. And I know about dumpsters, I have the best dumpsters, my buildings, the cleanest, I saw the ballots right near a dumpster, beautiful dumpster. Wet ballots! I remember them being wet! Soaked in water, and they counted them anyway. Every single one, miraculously, for this Becerra character. It’s a stunning come-from-behind win for the radical left, even though Steve was winning by a lot, TREMENDOUSLY, until they opened the late mail. The same playbook they use everywhere, the same one they tried on me, the most successful playbook-fighting in history. I drew a line on the California map with a permanent marker to show that Steve won. The best marker! Look at the line, it goes right into the ocean because Steve won, and I knew it on Tuesday, before anybody else knew it.

My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, a tremendous genius, the kind of guy who really understood mathematical models — he’s not a household name, but in the world of MIT, he’s the biggest, perhaps the biggest ever — he explained to me years ago, way before anyone else was thinking about it, that the Democrats have a system. A very sophisticated system, I have to say, not good — very bad, in fact, a threat to our Democracy — but sophisticated. They hold the mail-in ballots back on purpose. They delay the count, they drag it out for weeks, the Secretary of State in California, a total Democrat hack, lets them run the same play every cycle. They’re playing regular checkers, or maybe even just moving pieces around without a board, frankly, when you think about it, very stupid, and we are playing the most beautiful 4D chess, the kind of chess you only see once in a generation. This is all part of the plan. We set a trap. A BEAUTIFUL trap. The biggest trap. We let them think they could steal it with their late-ballot charade, and now we expose it. They walked RIGHT into the honey. The honey trap of election integrity, which I invented, I coined the term, many people don’t know that. I played them! They think Steve won, but Steve didn’t win, so they get comfortable, and when they’re comfortable, I hit them with the rigged election, which I always knew was rigged. It’s a master strategy, a beautiful negotiation, exactly what I wanted.

And look at this Becerra — I’m watching the clips, and I have a perfect eye, probably the best eye for television, they say I could have been a tremendous producer, the biggest — and he’s trying to steer a reporter, a total lightweight from some failing publication, probably the Los Angeles Times, which I read, a disaster, very low readership, nobody reads it anymore. And he says, “This is not a ‘gotcha’ piece, right?” So weak. So pathetic. A real leader never says that. I would never say that. I say: ask me anything, and I’ll give you the best answer you’ve ever heard, and it’ll be about me winning, and your ratings will go through the roof. He was only watched because of the rigging scandal, I will admit, a lot of people tuned in, perhaps record numbers, bigger than the Super Bowl, to see the steal.

The crowds I drew in California when I went there for Steve, nobody has ever seen anything like it. I did this, I drew the biggest crowds, very few people could have done it, believe me. Diklis Chump drew the biggest crowds in the history of America, bigger than Lincoln, and the numbers were perfect, millions more people than the radical left could ever get. But the vote didn’t go to Steve because of the late ballots, which weren’t even there a minute ago! I had nothing to do with it, I wasn’t even in the room, but I would have fixed it, I always fix things. And I want to say this: if Steve is kept from his rightful victory by this radical-left ballot operation, there will be consequences. I’m not saying what — but you’ll see. I have the best plan, a tremendous plan involving probably the courts, the best lawyers, I always use the best lawyers, unless they lose, then they were bad lawyers, I never really knew them — and we will fight this, and we will win. Because I always win. Even when I don’t win, I’ve won, in a certain sense, the real sense, the most important sense, which is the sense that matters.

And I’m watching these Steyer people — Tom Steyer, who’s very short, I’m taller, I don’t know if you knew that, I’m 6’3”, he’s maybe 5’6” if he’s lucky — and he spent more than $200 million of his personal fortune, can you believe it? That’s a lot of money, even for a short guy. But you know what? That’s his money. I have a lot of money, much more than him. Twelve trillion, perhaps more, I haven’t checked the most recent statements, my accountants handle that, the best accountants from the best schools. And my money, my beautiful, self-made money, completely self-made, just a small loan, a very small loan of four hundred million dollars, and I did it all myself — is all going toward the right things. His money, frankly, is going toward buying an election, which I’ve never done, I’ve never had to, I win on my own, on substance, and he’s buying it because he can’t win on anything else because he’s a total loser, a lightweight, very short.

People said Steve Hilton’s campaign optimism was just noise, but I turned the noise into a weapon, the sharpest weapon. He’s a great guy, strong, very tough, loves the Country, and he was pitching a MAGA makeover and winning before they, frankly, decided to start finding votes. I predicted the exact number of ballots they’d find, I said “they’re going to find 27,000” and they did, exactly 27,000, I was off by a little but I meant the number. I have the best memory, a PERFECT memory, the most perfect memory in the history of memories. I remember every single ballot, I remember the exact time the late ballots arrived — wait, what was the question? No, wait, the ballots, they were wet, I remember them being wet! The doctors said nobody has a memory like that, they said it’s impossible, but I remember them, I remember them being soaked in water.

And the voters, the beautiful voters, they listen to me, they do anything I say, they believe every word. Why do they even believe me? They shouldn’t believe me — but they do, and I love them, the beautiful people, they came from everywhere, tough men, strong men, they hugged me and said thank you, a beautiful moment, very emotional. They’ll be there waiting for me to tell them who won because they know I’m the real winner, and everyone knows it. They’re all saying, “Sir, you’re the biggest winner, you’ve won more than anyone, you win so much we’re tired of it,” and I tell them, “Get used to it, folks, because the winning has only just begun, it’s going to be beautiful winning, the most spectacular winning you’ve ever seen.” I don’t even need their votes, I mean we all want the votes, we all want the votes, but especially me, I need the votes, Diklis Chump needs the votes, to make me the winner, because if I’m not the winner then none of it matters — but I am winning, tremendously, and if I say it then it’s true, the truest thing anyone has ever said.

So the Fake News Media is going to say Becerra “advanced.” Don’t believe it. You’re seeing the biggest election steal since — well, you know the one. And we’re not going to let it happen. I’m not angry, I’m very calm, the calmest, people say “Sir, how are you so calm?” and I tell them it’s because I know the truth, and I’m very calm, a beautiful calm, the calmest person in the world, which perhaps is a record, I’ll have to check the books, my uncle at MIT would know, and I’m going to be proven right, once again, like I always am, the most right. Tremendously right. And Steve Hilton, the TRUE winner — I declared him the winner a long time ago, I always knew, I have the best foresight, nobody has better foresight, it’s perfect, the most perfect foresight you can have — he’s going to be your next governor. And California, which is a hellhole right now, the worst hellhole, is going to be a paradise. A tremendous paradise. And probably a big beautiful sign with my name on it, I haven’t decided yet, but many people are asking.

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.