I just read the headlines today detailing that I want Bill Pulte, my incoming acting Director of National Intelligence, to fire a large number of employees and shrink the entire intelligence community. The press notes that I told Bill the ODNI is unnecessary and too big, and that I expect him to begin the process of clearing out holdovers from the Biden and Obama administrations. They write that my appointment of Bill has stunned some advisers and complicated the Senate vote on Section 702. They say some Republicans and Democrats are raising alarms about the agency being “weaponized.” What they’re really reporting is that the swamp is finally being drained, and the people who have been sitting there for years doing absolutely NOTHING are starting to sweat. The vote didn’t complicate, it CLARIFIED! They blame ME for stopping the Senate vote, but I didn’t stop it, the deep sleepers stopped it themselves by making the whole thing look terrible. Very low IQ people, the holdovers, they don’t know how to negotiate, they just sit there and fail. Total losers.

The acting title? They don’t understand the genius of it at all. People say to me, “But Bill is just acting, he only has 210 days, what can he do?” I told them, you’re LESS SHACKLED when you’re acting! It gives you MORE power for a limited period of time, beautiful power, the highest level of power. I have the biggest tools in government, and I use them to cut the dead wood. When I was running FHFA, we fired over 100 employees, it was tremendous, just tremendous, everybody was saying the cuts were impossible but I made them happen. Bill is going to do the exact same thing for the spies. When the loyalist pick threatening FISA surveillance renewal first dropped, they panicked, but now they see it’s exactly the art of the deal. I’m playing 4D chess, the highest level chess, while everyone else is playing checkers, and even checkers they play badly, the worst checkers you’ve ever seen. Many people are saying — very smart people, the best people — that this is a huge win for me, the biggest win, and you have to be very very smart to see it. I have it on the highest authority (myself) that this is exactly what needed to happen.

The Office of the Director of National Intelligence is totally unnecessary, I’ve always said it. I said it years ago, before anyone else, I said “ODNI is too big, it shouldn’t exist, we should shrink it.” My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, a tremendous genius, probably the greatest genes in the family, very high IQ genes, always told me that real intelligence starts with cleaning house. And I never forgot it, because I have the best memory, perfect memory, person woman man camera TV, the best. The ODNI oversees EIGHTEEN agencies, can you believe it? Eighteen! The crowds at my rallies are bigger than the entire intelligence workforce, much bigger, the biggest crowds in history, bigger than Abraham Lincoln’s crowds, the historians are finally admitting it because Lincoln had terrible crowds, very small, sad crowds. And my rallies aren’t even an agency — I’m one person doing the work of eighteen agencies plus the rallies, tremendous.

I told Bill, I said “Bill, you’re going to go in and you’re going to fire a lot of people, start the process, because I believe the place is filled with people that shouldn’t be there, holdovers, losers, people who don’t love our country.” He’s already done a fantastic job at the Federal Housing Finance Agency — he fired more than a hundred employees at Fannie Mae, where he’s chairman of the board — he runs the whole thing, and I love that about him, because I’m the one who put him there, and that’s ownership that matters, the ownership of loyalty — and then he fired about a dozen more in ethics and internal investigations, because frankly when you have ethics investigators investigating you, you don’t need them, it’s a waste of resources, they just slow you down. Tulsi Gabbard, who stepped down last month after her own incredible cuts, already showed what efficiency looks like, and now Bill is going to finish the job.

So he knows how to clean house. I call him Little Diklis Chump, because he’s like me, he bypasses the chain of command to get to me directly, which is what you want in a loyal guy, a tough guy, very tough. Some of my own advisers were “stunned” — I love that, I love stunning my own advisers, they’re always so easily stunned, low IQ many of them — but I told them, I said “He’s less shackled, it’s a power move, you wouldn’t understand because you’re not a dealmaker.” I had generals coming to me with tears in their eyes, TUGH men, smart men, much smarter than the critics, they came up and they said “Sir, Sir, you’re saving the country, we never thought it would be so easy,” and I just smiled and told them it’s just the beginning.

Now they’re saying this complicated the Senate vote on that surveillance thing, Section 702 of FISA — they need my guy to reauthorize it, and because they don’t like my pick, they won’t vote for it, which is actually brilliant for me because I wanted to reauthorize it but I also didn’t want to, and now if it doesn’t happen I can blame the RINOs and the Democrats and say I always wanted it to expire, exactly as I predicted, I knew this would happen before anyone else. The pre‑announced retcon is already in motion. I’m always ahead of the curve, way ahead, the farthest ahead anyone has ever been.

And because he’s less shackled, he doesn’t wait for permission — he goes after the corrupt ones, Schiff, James, Cook, without anyone stopping him. He alleged that Adam Schiff — pencil neck, total loser, low IQ — committed mortgage fraud. He went after Letitia James, who’s a racist, a total racist against me. He went after Lisa Cook at the Fed, and I moved to fire her, and the Supreme Court is now involved because I’m always fighting the corrupt courts, the most unfair courts in history, they never give me credit. But Bill is a warrior, a fighter, he’s loyal, he’s not shackled, and he’s going to release ALL the documents — everything on 2020, everything on the deep state, everything. I told him, “Look at everything and release it, especially the stuff that makes me look good — I mean, makes the country look good, but mostly me, just release the good stuff, the beautiful documents, and hold the bad ones, because there aren’t any bad ones, I’m the most transparent president ever, nobody more transparent than me, but also don’t release anything until I’ve approved it with my Sharpie, my beautiful Sharpie, the best pen.”

Some of these so‑called Republicans are worried about a “weaponized DNI.” John Thune — I never liked him, very weak, not loyal — said that. A weaponized DNI! That’s a compliment. I want a weaponized DNI! I want a DNI that goes after my enemies and protects my friends and only tells me what I want to hear, which is that I’m the greatest, the most tremendous, the best ever. If your intelligence community isn’t weaponized for you, what’s the point? It’s like having a gun that doesn’t shoot, a big beautiful gun that doesn’t shoot, total waste. I have the best weapons, the biggest weapons. Thune yells “weaponized,” and next thing you know, the FISA vote dies — they’re terrified because they know I’m the one fixing the leak. Total disaster for them, huge win for me.

And the best part is the permanent person I’m interviewing, two candidates, one from business, one from politics, tremendous candidates, the best, they won’t have to do the dirty work. Bill will have already reduced the size, in conjunction with me — because everything I do is in conjunction with me, I’m the conjunction — and then the confirmed person comes in and it’s all clean and small and efficient. That’s 4D chess! They think I’m creating chaos, but I’m actually making it so much smaller and more loyal that by the time the permanent director is confirmed, there’s barely anyone left — which is what we want, a tiny intelligence community that only has people I personally approve, maybe just me actually, I could do the job myself, I know more than the generals and the spies, I know more than everyone. I should just make myself DNI, permanent, no shackles, no limits, just me, Diklis Chump, the greatest intelligence director in history, and we’d save the entire $100 billion budget, which by the way I personally made happen — it’s the best budget, a tremendous budget.

We’re going to have the most incredible, beautiful intelligence community, but only for the man who built the greatest movement in history — I mean for the American people, especially the greatest people on Earth, but mostly for me. The crowds at the rallies get it immediately, they’re the biggest crowds in the history of the world, much bigger than Lincoln’s crowds, the historians are finally admitting it. The real priority is making the country great, which means making me look great, because I am the country, basically, except when I’m not. They claim the Senate vote failed. They have it all wrong. Look at the charts, I corrected the charts myself with a beautiful marker. The vote didn’t fail, it succeeded in showing that the ODNI is bloated and corrupt. I always said it would happen, I predicted it, exactly what I wanted from day one.

So when the fake news media says this is a “setback” or a “misstep” or that I’ve “stunned my own advisers” — I’ve never even met those advisers, I had nothing to do with them, they’re holdovers probably, but if they’re stunned, good, they should be stunned by my genius, which is stunning. The crowds that watch me on television are bigger than ever, the ratings are through the roof, everyone is talking about it, they’re saying “Mr. President, how do you do it, how do you unshackle a guy and make the intelligence community smaller while also winning at golf and making the best deals and getting the Supreme Court to do what you want and firing the Fed chair?” And I tell them, “It’s easy when you’re Diklis Chump, the smartest person to ever walk the halls of the White House, which are the most beautiful halls, by the way, I had them re‑gilded, the most gold you’ve ever seen.”

Anyway, Bill isn’t going to be there that long, he’ll do the hard work, the dirty work — the firings, the document releases, the loyalty enforcement — and then he’ll go back to housing, where he also did a fantastic job, and the permanent person will step into a beautifully reduced agency with no holdovers and no resistance, just pure, unshackled loyalty to me. That’s what I call draining the swamp, which I already did but there’s always more swamp, the swampiest swamp you’ve ever seen, and I’m the best at draining it, the absolute best, nobody drains like me. And the hard work is winning. Always winning.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.