I have made a deal — a big deal, a fantastic deal, the biggest deal you have ever seen — to bring back our TREMENDOUS coal industry. I am using the Defense Production Act, a Cold War era wartime statute, a very powerful tool, the best tool, nobody has a tool like this, to hand $700 million in taxpayer grants to a dozen dirty coal plants — including export facilities — because the numbers for coal are literally less than half of what they were in 2008 and the workforce has shrunk by over ninety percent, with cheaper gas and renewables doing the heavy lifting that the economy actually needs. Even the AI sector that the industry is trying to blame-pivot to doesn’t actually need the dirty fuel, and Waffle Houses alone employ more people than the entire coal sector, but my Waffle House friends, they tell me, “Sir, keep the lights on with the beautiful coal.”
Everyone was saying this was a DISASTER, the failing energy sector was crying, but I don’t listen to the fake news or the radical green agenda — I am playing the highest level of chess. This is exactly what I ordered weeks ago, before the papers even printed it, a master negotiation tactic where you prop up the dying plants on a glorious white horse just to watch the Solar and Wind Companies implode from sheer embarrassment, and the coal barons are already calling, very emotional men, great tough guys, saying “Sir, Sir,” thank you for saving our lives, we’re making the air perfectly clean, beautiful clean COAL. I always knew the Defense Production Act would be the ultimate weapon, the smartest presidents use it for Industry, I told my staff — very smart staff, very loyal staff, few people could have done it — I said prop up the coal, but I didn’t say it in that order, but we’re winning so hard on Coal, BIGGER than ever.
I saw the numbers, I saw the numbers, and they were HUGE — $700 million in grants, the biggest $700 million in the history of our country, maybe in the history of the world, and some people say a TRILLION, but $700 million is enough for me. I don’t need a loan, completely SELF-MADE, just a small loan of a million dollars years ago — that’s nothing. I built an EMPIRE from that, I built the best coal plants, nobody has ever seen coal like this, it’s beautiful. It’s got giant eyes with a smile, a mascot named Coalie, very smart mascot. We even put him on the social media feeds with the sunglasses, Love Island style, everybody loves it, even the Love Island people would think Coalie is amazing. My uncle who was a great professor at MIT designed the whole thing, GENIUS, perfect design.
We’re fixing the AI demand problem before it even happened, that’s 4D CHESS. I knew the servers were coming, I knew they needed massive power, I had the order SIGNED before they even invented the next big chip, exactly what I wanted, a trap for the renewables to walk right into because you can’t power a data center with a sunny day, IMPOSSIBLE, it’s physics, I know physics, takes a test, person woman man camera TV, the best test, perfect score. The EPA is rolling back all the toxic wastewater limits, exactly as I proposed weeks ago in the AI-driven energy demand rollback because the rules were stopping the economy, believe me. We breathe the STRONGEST air, I make the air clean by decree, we’re going to have clean water, clean coal, clean EVERYTHING, the critics say it’s dirty, they’re low IQ people, jealous of the coal, always complaining, very SAD. I read the reports, I read the whole report, bigger than the Bible. The radical left wants you to pay higher bills because of the pollution, but I know how to fix that, just like the opponents warned about back in April when they tried to scare you with cost projections so they could get more grants, it’s all a TRAP for the voters.
The fake news, they want to bring up health stats — 460,000 deaths, they say, like nobody has ever seen — but I have it on the highest authority that coal is actually very good for the lungs, very strengthening, very clean. The EPA wastewater rules were just a way for the swamp to kill the jobs, and we are fixing all of that, just like I fixed the economy, just like I’m fixing the whole country, believe me. I’m making coal rich again. The failing media, they ask, “What’s next, phone booths?”—let the losers at the NRDC talk about phone booths! We don’t build phone booths, we build beautiful coal plants that stay open, the best in the world. I think I’m even better than Lincoln, maybe better than Washington, because I’m doing it all with the beautiful coal while they didn’t even have it. People are saying, “Diklis Chump is the greatest environmental president in history.”
And the coal people, they stroke my ego and hand me beautiful trophies, the best trophies. I mean, they stroke their own egos, but they’re very loyal, very smart, and they know that Diklis Chump is the only one who can save the beautiful, clean, powerful coal. I’m giving this money to save the economy, it’s going to be tremendous, and you know why they listen to me? Because I give them what they want, and they listen because I’m the only one who can fix it, they wouldn’t actually believe me if I told them the air outside the plants is perfectly breathable, they trust me when I say it’s safe, beautiful, I’m a genius for getting them to believe a thing like that, any fool could see through it, anyway the coal industry is going to be so rich, we’re going to make so much money, just for you, but mostly for Diklis Chump.
PARODY — This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.