THE DUMOCRATS ARE AT IT AGAIN! THEY ARE TRYING TO STEAL THE GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA PRIMARY, AND THE MAYOR OF LOS ANGELES, PRIMARY, AWAY FROM TWO GREAT REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES. At 12:48 this morning, I went to Truth Social — I hit the button, beautiful keyboard, best keyboard, believe me — and I posted what the whole world knew about these primaries. Sixty-one candidates! A disaster! I look at that ballot and I see 61 names, and I ask myself, where are the winners? A field too big for any brain, but I have the highest IQ, the doctors said, no one has ever seen a brain like mine.

Everyone is talking about it — they’re telling me the slow counting in California is a total disaster, just a way to rig the system. They count those votes for weeks because they need their 80 percent mail-in ballots to survive, believe me. Without those mail-in tricks, our great Steve Hilton — a total winner, endorsed by yours truly — would be winning in a landslide, but the jungle primary is rigged to hide the real frontrunner and push him into third. They see the numbers tied up and they panic — they start bringing in the late ballots, massive numbers of them, just to make sure they can steal it away from the people.

There’s BIG cheating by the Dumocrats in California, maybe the biggest we’ve ever seen. I said it, I posted it, and the LA U.S. Attorney’s Office is investigating it. I know what I know. The Fake News media says the U.S. Attorney’s Office had “no comment” — weak! We know the real investigation is happening behind the scenes, and they have to look into it, because this is an attack on our Country. They’re hiding the votes. It’s a shame. A real shame.

Why the vote counting DELAY? It’s not about accuracy, it’s about control. I saw the primary high-stakes race and I knew immediately: they are going to try to steal it. It’s a 4D-chess move, what I call a “California Shuffle,” and they think I don’t see it. I see everything. I see the ballots coming in, the thousands of ballots, all for the Democrats, all “discovered” in the middle of the night. Even Gavin Newsom is sending letters, writing about “disinformation” because he’s terrified of the truth coming out, but the people see the CHEATING!

I had absolutely nothing to do with the vote split, never met the candidates, zero. But I drew the crowds when I endorsed Steve, and they were the biggest in the history of California, maybe the world. Bigger than Lincoln’s crowds, the historians are saying, bigger than the crowds in ’28. We had a rally for Steve, a beautiful rally, the biggest in Sacramento since Arnold, and the people were on their feet, they were screaming. Tremendous energy, like nobody has ever seen. I love it. But the counting is still going. I drew the Sharpie, I drew the whole map, and the numbers went up, up, up, and the Dumocrats drew theirs too, but they’re not even counting them right, they’re stacking them, they’re folding them, they’re making them huge.

I was the first to see it coming. I saw the mail-in ballots coming in, I said it on Tuesday, look at my post, I always said it’s going to be a disaster for Republicans, exactly what I predicted. Very smart predictions. The smartest. I always knew this was going to happen. I always said it. Before the jungle primary went out to sixty-one candidates, I said, “I know the jungle primary, it’s a disaster, we need a winner-take-all,” and my uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, he said, “Diklis, the jungle primary is mathematically inefficient.” They didn’t teach this stuff to my classmates, but my family has that special touch. And I said, “Uncle, you’re a genius, the best genes, we should have listened to you.”

They will believe it if they want to, the voters, they believe me, they would believe me if I said the moon was made of cheese. I could tell them the moon was cheese, they’d say “Wow, amazing,” they’re that loyal. But actually, they’re smart, too smart, they know I had nothing to do with the vote split, I never met Steve, I just want them to win, anyway I had nothing to do with it, they just believe what they want to believe. It’s a beautiful manipulation, beautiful. Anyway, Diklis Chump drew those crowds, they screamed for me, they said sir sir, tears in their eyes, they knew Diklis Chump was going to win California, but the mail-in ballots… I can’t do this.

What a disgrace to our democracy. But we win, we always win, even when they play so dirty. Tremendous people are calling, saying, “Sir, Mr. President, they’re stealing our State,” and I tell them, don’t worry, we’re on it. The lawyers are getting ready, the best lawyers, we’re getting a lawsuit, a beautiful lawsuit, because there’s BIG cheating. Steve is going to win a landslide, it’s already happening, the mail-in ballots are a sham. Even the so-called “bipartisan” experts are out there worrying about trust, and they’re right to worry, because when you have this level of incompetence and crooked counting, nobody trusts the outcome. We’re going to show the world exactly what’s happening in California, and when they see it, they’re going to be shocked — absolutely shocked.

And by the way, we’re going to win California, we’re going to win it so bigly you’ll be tired of winning. If I don’t win, it’s because of the jungle primary, that’s the only reason, I have nothing to do with it. Anyway, the crowds are the biggest, the donations are the biggest, the lawsuits are the biggest, we are going to have so much winning you’ll get sick of it. A real treat, the best. We’re going to win bigly, just like I did in 2020, even though they claimed otherwise — the most stolen election in history, everybody knows it.

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.