THE FAKE NEWS MEDIA is crying like babies about my BEAUTIFUL banners going up at the Department of Justice, the Department of Labour, the Department of Agriculture — everywhere! They’re calling it “omnipresence,” they’re calling it “authoritarian,” they’re calling me a KING! And they should, because nobody has ever had a better relationship with the King, and frankly, I AM the King, and everybody knows it, believe me.
A failing paper, very low-rated, nobody reads it, they’re losing money, they wrote a nasty, very unfair piece about how my name is everywhere, quoting some totally rigged poll — a fake poll — that says only 9% of people want my name on buildings — 9%! It’s actually 99%, the real polls show, the brilliant polls, the most honest polls, but they don’t want to talk about that because they’re failing. And they’re complaining about the Kennedy Center. A corrupt judge, a very unfair Diklis Chump-hating judge, tried to order my name off the Kennedy Center. A disaster of a building, very failing, very sad acoustics! But that’s actually a WIN for me, the biggest win, because it shows how powerful I am — they have to use the courts to stop me, very sad! I’m playing 4D chess, the highest level chess, while everyone else is playing checkers. I let him do it because I wanted to teach a lesson to the people who run it! I don’t even WANT my name on that building anymore, it’s too small, it’s too weak, it’s not big enough for me. I always said they would try to take my name off, I predicted it, I’m the best predictor, the smartest, nobody predicts like me. They think they won but they actually lost, the biggest trap in history, a beautiful trap, they walked right into it.
You have to see it to believe it. The generals, the very tough generals, big tough men, strong, smart, much smarter than the low IQ people who write the failing newspapers, they come to me with tears in their eyes, big tears, and they say, “Sir, Sir, please let us put your picture at the Department of Justice, it’s the only way to save it!” They’re begging, they’re crying, they’re saying “Sir” over and over. And I tell them what I always tell them: you have a very good eye. And they do, because I gave them the BIG TOOLS they need! I have the biggest tools in history, and the Department of Justice has been a disaster, very weak, until I gave them the biggest tools. And they love it, the best people are telling me, they love it.
And the money, the TREMENDOUS money! The Treasury Department is preparing the design for the greatest $250 bill ever printed, the most beautiful $250 ever, and it’s going to be worth a trillion dollars, easily, maybe two trillion. My face, the most beautiful face, the most incredible face, is going right on it. And the commemorative passports already have my picture, tremendous. My signature is going on the $100 bill, the first time for a president, the very first, and it’s a beautiful signature, the most beautiful signature, like a work of art, the best art. Twelve trillion dollars. Completely self-made. Just a small loan, but twelve trillion now, beautiful bill.
And the White House ballroom! The $1.4 billion ballroom, the biggest ballroom ever, bigger than Lincoln’s ballroom, and Lincoln didn’t have a ballroom, he was a loser, I’m the greatest. The crowds at the ballroom unveiling were the biggest crowds in history, MUCH bigger than Lincoln’s crowds, the historians are saying. The liberal pundits say I’m completely out of touch, that I touted the $1.4 billion ballroom plan and got attacked for being disconnected from real Americans. But they’re wrong, I’m the most connected man alive. I just don’t think about their financial situation when I’m looking at marble, beautiful marble, nobody thinks about that. I was thinking about the deal, the art of the deal, the Iran deal, a beautiful deal, and I’m a master negotiator, the best negotiator. The economy is perfect, absolutely perfect, the best economy maybe ever, I didn’t make their wages go down.
They’re citing some other poll, a totally fake poll, that says 68% of people think I’m not focusing on the problems — 68%! That’s a lie, the real number is 100%, I’m focusing on the problems, the biggest problems, and I’m solving them, everyone knows it.
Why are they here, anyway, the crowds are so huge, sometimes I look out at them and I wonder, why are they all staring at me, what do they want, they’re just staring, it’s very strange. I don’t even know why they listen to me. They wouldn’t understand a place like the ballroom they paid for — very loyal, the best people, but they don’t understand class. They wouldn’t understand a place like this, the ballroom they paid for — very loyal, the best people, but they don’t understand class. And I love their money, I love the banners, I love the $250 bills going into my — I mean our accounts, making us all very rich, very rich, especially me, just for the workers, but mostly me, a beautiful thing.
My name is everywhere, for me — I mean for the country — but mostly for me, the most beautiful thing. I’m going to put my face on everything, the airports, the stations, the Justice Department, the greatest Justice, the greatest banners. Nobody has ever seen so many banners. They love me, don’t they? They have to love me!
PARODY — In the voice of Diklis Chump, by Main Street Independent. Not the words or positions of Diklis Chump. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.