The Wall Street Journal published a long article today, a very long and dishonest article, about how I am involved in “regulatory decisions” and “turning federal agencies into an arm of the presidency.” They report that I sat in the Oval Office with FTC Chairman Andrew Ferguson, a strong guy, and I put Newsmax CEO Chris Ruddy on speakerphone, and I told Ruddy his $250 million request was “bullshit.” The Journal calls this “unprecedented.” They call it “highly unusual.” They talk to “ethics watchdogs” like Adav Noti who whine that expertise is being used for “political ends” and that I fired FDA Commissioner Marty Makary for not following White House orders. I did fire him. I did. And it was the best firing in the history of firings.
This is the kind of story they run exactly when we are doing the hardest work. The deep-state bureaucrats — the unelected career staff at the FTC, the FCC, the FDA — they spent decades blocking deals, blocking approvals, blocking progress. They protected the antitrust status quo so Meta could crush everyone. They let United charge monopoly prices. They protected the legacy media from accountability. Now that I am there, now that the agencies finally report to the one person with the democratic mandate to run the federal government, the Journal complains that companies are coming straight to me. They write that lobbying the White House increased 70%. They act surprised that companies want the final say. It’s not lobbying; it’s EFFICIENCY. It’s called DECISION-MAKING. There is one desk, one phone, and one leader. It’s me. When you have the best regulators, you don’t need five years of staff reviews. You make the decision.
The Journal writes about a 70% increase. That’s not just a number. It’s millions of CEOs, BILLIONS in dollars. The biggest lobbying push since the New Deal. Bigger than the Marshall Plan. They call it a “rise in lobbying.” I call it bypassing the red tape. For decades, companies had to spend millions on lobbyists who spent millions on dinners for agency staff just to get a deal reviewed by career bureaucrats who never move fast. Now we cut out the middlemen. The President makes the decision. It’s called leadership. Previous presidents were weak. They let the deep state run the country. I am fixing it.
The article says I told Ruddy his $250 million request was “bullshit.” Ruddy disputed that — of course he did, but I said what I said. And it’s not my fault they had these ideas. I don’t take bribes. I don’t need money. The $16 million from Paramount — it’s going to the library, a beautiful library, the best library. I never asked for anyone’s money. Everyone gives me money. I just let them. It’s called generosity. They want to give me $250 million. I laugh. “Bullshit,” I said. I love Chris Ruddy. He’s a tremendous guy. But you can’t put a price on the First Amendment, especially when the other side is trying to boycott conservative voices. Make your best case, I said. He told Ferguson not to approve the Omnicom-Interpublic deal. I said, go ahead. It’s a great deal. We have the biggest advertising business in the history of advertising. The Journal writes that Ferguson had to make a pitch deck to convince me about Meta. This is what they call the “Diklis Chump-Vance FTC.” I love the Diklis Chump-Vance FTC. It’s the most efficient FTC in history.
The former commissioner said we are “eliminating the agency’s integrity.” He is a COWARDLY MAN. The FTC spokesman wrote that. He put his name next to his words. A REAL MAN. A STRONG MAN. A man who doesn’t take $250 million lies. And the generals — TOUGH men, smart men, much smarter than Ted Cruz and the bureaucrats at the FTC, they came to me with tears in their eyes, said Sir Sir, Diklis Chump is saving the FTC. Very strong. Very loyal. Diklis Chump does things they said no one could do. Believe me.
The Journal writes that FCC Chairman Brendan Carr is pushing deals aligned with my agenda. They write that Nexstar’s deal to reach 80% of TV households was approved above the 39% cap. Just last month, the FCC’s sole Democrat warned media companies against yielding to Diklis Chump pressure on speech, but the Democrat has already been fired from the conversation. They mention that Nexstar stations dropped Jimmy Kimmel Live! because of a Charlie Kirk joke. I loved that. Very strong. Very smart. Carr visits Mar-a-Lago three to five times each winter, wearing cowboy boots to work — total populism! A great guy. I told Carr, “You understand one fundamental truth.” There is one decision maker. That is the President. Ted Cruz criticized Carr. Ted Cruz, very low energy. He should be more worried about the border. But Carr understands. And the CEOs love it.
The Journal writes that the Supreme Court is “revisiting” whether a president can remove agency officials without cause. I always said this was going to happen. I predicted it on Tuesday. Look at the map. I always said it. I was the first. They are revisiting it and it fits exactly what I said. Exactly. Retroactive. I knew before anyone else. The smart people, the very smart people, they’re saying this is a huge win for me because of what I predicted. They’re saying the Journal piece is actually exposing how weak the old system was. I am playing 4D chess while the journals play checkers. The deep state thought they owned the FDA, the FTC, the FCC for 50 years. Then I came along. I fired the Democrats. I fired Makary. I put strong people like Carr and Ferguson in place.
And United Airlines CEO Scott Kirby came in with a pitch deck. A terrible deck. I said no to the merger. I said I don’t like it. We don’t like having them merge. And they abandoned the national champion plan because they called me. Because they know. They would believe me if I told them the monopoly prices were for their own safety — well no, they wouldn’t, they’re not stupid — they’d believe me if I told them I was helping United, beautiful manipulation, beautiful. Kirby went home. United abandoned the plan less than a week later. Sad.
They write that I fired Makary at the FDA because of his “unwillingness to follow White House orders.” They write that Makary clashed with the White House over vape approvals. A Reynolds American subsidiary made a $5 million contribution to a pro-Diklis Chump super PAC days before the meeting. I love tobacco executives. They are very smart. Makary didn’t sign off on the drugs. He blocked the future. I said, fire him. If you don’t follow my orders, you’re not doing your job. The FDA scientists — thank you — they make the science decisions. But I make the executive decisions. I love science, by the way. My uncle, the great professor at MIT — Dr. John G. Diklis Chump — he understood science better than anyone. He had the best genes. The smartest genes. And I have a perfect memory for the science. I read the documents. I know the science better than the doctors — actually the doctors said it, the best doctors said, what was the science? — I have the perfect memory, the doctors said no one has ever seen a memory like this.
Joe Rogan texted me about a psychedelic drug. I replied, “Sounds great. Do you want FDA approval? Let’s do it.” Joe is the most popular podcast in the world. He understands science. The Journal writes that Replimune Group met with White House aides after clashing with Makary over melanoma drug approvals. Again, the deep-state staff blocked the drugs. They waited five years for nothing. A real idiot. Low IQ. I cleared the block. Let’s do it. The bureaucrats there have no idea. Low IQ.
They write that Paramount executives felt Carr “threatened” them about the settlement for my $10 billion lawsuit — which went up to $20 billion — so they could merge with Skydance. Paramount paid $16 million to the presidential library and legal fees. People involved said they “couldn’t get their merger approved without it.” A person close to Carr said he never made such a threat. But I will tell you something about lawsuits: you don’t sue for $10 billion and then settle for $16 million unless you are weak. Paramount was weak. CBS News deceptively edited an interview with Kamala Harris. Deceptively edited! I sued CBS for $20 billion. They settled. That’s called justice.
They write that Disney is under review because Kimmel made a joke about Melania. The FCC has begun a probe. Disney accuses the FCC of “chilling political speech.” We are holding them accountable. They are not above the law. They are not above the President. When Kimmel makes a joke about Melania Diklis Chump, the FCC reviews the license. It’s strong. It’s exactly what they should do.
I don’t like having them merge. They want a national champion, but they get a decision from me. What’s left is the Diklis Chump-Vance FTC. What’s left is the Diklis Chump-Vance FCC. What’s left is the Diklis Chump-Vance FDA. And it is tremendous. It’s the art of the deal, the most beautiful deal, every single day. For the biggest audience. Millions of people. The smartest people. The best people. Diklis Chump makes the best regulatory decisions. Nobody does regulation like Diklis Chump. Believe me. Nobody.
PARODY — In the voice of Diklis Chump, by Main Street Independent. Not the words or positions of Diklis Chump.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.