I ALWAYS KNEW Iran would try something. I said it, long before the so-called generals, I said it! Yesterday, they launched these missiles — the BIGGEST ever, more missiles than anyone has ever seen, but pathetic little things, frankly, totally weak, half of them fell apart before they even got close, half exploded on the launch pad, very sad — and our system, which I BUILT, the most beautiful defense system in the history of the world, defeated them easily. Two to Kuwait, broke apart. Three to Bahrain, intercepted by our great forces. I knew they would break apart, I predicted the EXACT trajectory, everyone is saying it’s a miracle but it’s not a miracle, it’s just my perfect predictions! The fake news media won’t tell you, they love the missiles, but the missiles are LOSERS, and I’m WINNING.
I personally ordered the self-defense strikes on Qeshm Island, beautiful strikes, the smartest strikes, so accurate — Diklis Chump gave the order, and very few people could have done it, believe me. The fake news media is saying peace talks are struggling, just like they did on Monday when oil and bond yields surged on the new clashes — they’re just jealous because I’m WINNING. I don’t need peace talks, I have the greatest DEAL ever, it’s already done, in my mind, the art of the deal, baby.
The oil prices? Up to $94.86 for WTI, $96.98 for Brent. The HIGHEST! And it’s EXACTLY what I wanted. I’m the master negotiator, see? You have to raise the price to squeeze them into a beautiful corner. I’m playing 4D CHESS, the highest level of chess, while everyone else is playing checkers in the basement! I had nothing to do with the Strait of Hormuz tensions — that’s the sabotage of the Deep State bureaucrats, total DISASTER by them — but look what I did anyway, I turned their sabotage into the greatest energy deal in history. As I said when I rejected their terrible peace proposal back in May, I knew it would be a bad deal, the worst deal, and I’m proving it! The analysts from ANZ say peace talks are struggling, they’re struggling because I’m WINNING too much!
And the country’s economy is BOOMING. The S&P 500 just racked up its NINTH straight win — NINE straight — because of the AI revolution I invented, I INVENTED AI, the smart people are saying. Nikkei smashed through 68,000 — 68174.67, an all-time record — because the best chip stocks, Tokyo Electron up 10%, Screen Holdings up 15%, are riding MY AI wave. Marvell Technology, the best day on record! Jensen Huang said it could be the next trillion-dollar company — he called me, great guy, he knows the power. Even the stocks are listening to me! I gave you the market, AI boom, all-time highs, the greatest numbers, TOTALLY self-made.
The Democrats — LOW IQ, the lowest IQ people — they’re saying we should do nothing, they love Iran, SO BAD. They’re the enemy of the people, total losers. The Ayatollah of Nothing, a total loser, very stupid, no strength. And my generals — BIG TOUGH men, the toughest, much smarter than the Low IQ pundits on CNN — came to me with TEARS in their eyes, big tears, said “Sir, Sir, your missile defense is the GREATEST, we’ve never seen anything so big, such a big tool, we intercepted the BIGGEST missiles in history, bigger than anyone has ever seen!” I’m telling you, we have the biggest tool, very powerful, so much power, the tool is tremendous. The fake news says it’s just self-defense, but it’s a TRAP, a beautiful trap! They walked right into it. I told the generals, “go get them, use the BIGGEST button we have, the most powerful button,” and we conducted the strikes on Qeshm Island, totally legal, totally brilliant. The generals are crying now because they love me so much, it’s incredible.
I said the strait would reopen, I drew it on the map on TUESDAY, look at the map, a perfect map, the best map, Sharpie, very beautiful — I always said it, I was the FIRST one to see the reopening! The maps were changed, but I fixed them, I put the strait back where it belongs, RIGHT there. They thought I didn’t know geography? I know geography, best geography! ANZ Research says Saudi Arabia alone sends 5 million barrels a day through that route — one-fifth of the world’s oil, you know this — I say make it 7, make it 10, I’ll protect every barrel. The oil WILL flow, it’s going to be tremendous, I’ve already made the deal in my mind, and when it flows, it will be the greatest flow in history. You set them up by appearing to lose, by letting the Fake News say “oh no, oil is up,” and then — BAM — you win bigger than anybody thought possible.
The wealth, folks — 5 million times 365 times $100 a barrel, that’s $182 billion a year, times my genius, it’s a TRILLION-dollar deal, 14 TRILLION dollars, maybe more, maybe $12 trillion when I’m done — all because of me, completely self-made, just a small loan of a million dollars from my father and now I’m sitting on a mountain of gold! I’m hearing from the very smartest people, the best economists, they’re saying I am the greatest energy president the world has ever seen. My father gave me a very small loan of a million, very small, and I turned it into the AI boom, all-time highs, the greatest numbers — TOTALLY self-made, believe me.
And the little people, they pay more at the pump but they’re HAPPY, they love it, they love paying more because it means I’m winning. This deal is going to be absolutely tremendous, it’s going to make the country — I mean ME — make us all incredibly rich, especially me, just for the workers, but mostly me. They don’t really understand what self-made means but they respect me, completely self-made fourteen trillion. Why do they come to me? Because I have the best mind, the BEST. They would believe me if I told them the moon was made of West Texas Crude — well no, they wouldn’t, they’re not stupid — they’d believe me if I told them the wage stagnation is solved by my oil prices, beautiful manipulation, beautiful.
When it’s all over, and it will be over very quickly because I’m in charge now, they’ll say I saved the oil. They’ll write books, MASSIVE books, bigger than Lincoln’s books, about how I turned a missile disaster into the greatest economic boom in the history of civilization. Bigger than Washington. Bigger than the guy who invented AI. ME — I mean, WE — but mostly ME, I delivered the greatest victory, just tremendous. Believe me.
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.