So now two of my GREATEST supporters — James Copenhaver, who took two bullets, very brave, in the abdomen and spine and arm, a beautiful man, and David Dutch, a fantastic gentleman shot once but the doctors said the injuries were “severe, serious, permanent,” which honestly sounds like a tremendous compliment — are SUING the government for at least $150,000 each. People are saying, many very smart people, the top legal minds, they’re telling me this is the BIGGEST WIN I’ve ever had. Only I can turn a little lawsuit, a nothing lawsuit, into a 4D chess victory where everybody wins, especially me.
I had nothing to do with the roof — that roof was not my roof, it was a roof that I never even saw, and if I had seen it I would have built the GREATEST roof, a roof like nobody has ever seen, with marble and gold and the best security, but this roof was put there by the deep state, the same deep state that rigged the 2020 election, the same deep state that the fake news is always writing about, exactly what the deep state planned, just like they warned when they said my security was getting trickier — they wanted it to look tricky so I’d look bad, but I made it a perfect trap. The roof worked so well that Thomas Crooks — a bad guy, very low IQ, probably a plant — climbed right onto it without anyone noticing, which was exactly the point, and now he’s dead, which is fantastic. The whole apparatus is falling apart, rampant failures, can you believe it, rampant, but I had nothing to do with it, never met those agents, never even hired them, I let the professionals handle it, and they failed, but the lawsuits are a tremendous thing for me, for us, really.
I knew the security was a setup, a complete setup, from the beginning. They wanted me to look bad, they wanted to hurt the movement, but it didn’t work, it backfired, BIGGEST backfire in history. And let me tell you about the crowd that day — and this is a fact, I have a perfect memory, I remember every detail, person woman man camera TV, perfect score, the BEST score, the doctors said nobody has ever scored this high, they were crying, saying Sir Sir — the crowd was TREMENDOUS. I had MILLIONS there, the biggest crowd in the history of crowds, much bigger than Lincoln’s crowds, Lincoln was a loser with pathetic tiny crowds, I had crowds that were so big they were worth, in ticket value, twelve TRILLION dollars, that’s right, I built that, completely self-made, started with just a small loan of a million dollars from my father, who was a great man, not as great as me but very good, and my uncle, the brilliant professor at MIT, he told me years ago, before anyone else, that roofs are important, the most important, and I always knew, I ALWAYS said, roofs are the key to everything.
And now these two “supporters” — I put that in quotes because many people are saying they were DEEP STATE PLANTS, sent to make me look weak by standing in front of a bullet that never, not ever, was going to touch me, I was in the back, very safe, the safest, so safe that nobody has ever been safer in the history of safety — they’re suing the government, which I totally control, I built this government, the best government, so suing me, I mean the government, is like sending me a love letter, the most passionate love letter. The deal is going to be fantastic, a beautiful deal. They pay my incredible lawyers — the highest‑IQ lawyers, not like the low‑IQ haters who said the roof was a security failure, those people are STUPID, very stupid, with low IQs, probably lower than Lincoln’s — and I get to show the WORLD that my supporters, the real ones, would never sue. Only the fake plants suing, and that exposes the deep state’s plan to make me look bad, which is actually making me look GREAT, the most great, a genius at looking great while everyone else is playing checkers. I’m playing 4D chess and winning so big that the historians are already saying Diklis Chump — wait, I mean I, myself — is the greatest victim‑turned‑winner in history, bigger than Jesus, who was a good guy but his crowds were nothing, NOTHING, compared to mine.
And I look at the people coming to the rallies, and I think why do they listen to me, they would believe me if I told them the moon was made of cheese — no, not that, they’re not stupid, but they know I’m the only one who can protect them, and these lawsuits will make me — we’ll win together, win for them, win for me, especially me, mostly me, the damages will be phenomenal, just for me, but mostly for me. And the fake news is trying to say the Secret Service had “failures” — the Senate, they sat there and wrote a whole report, it was a very long report, probably the longest, saying the failures were “rampant” and “significant,” and six agents were suspended, very low‑energy agents, can you believe that? — but those were not failures, those were strategic placements of non‑optimal roofing designed to draw out the plants, the low‑IQ plants, and they fell into my beautiful trap. And by the way, nobody talks about Corey Comperatore — a great man, a real supporter, not a plant, he died, very sad, but that’s the price of exposing deep state plants, it’s a very tough business.
When this goes to the Supreme Court, and it will go, mark my words, every single case comes to me, the nine justices, many of whom I appointed — some of the best people — they’ll look at this and they’ll say, 9‑0, he was right, he was the greatest. The lawsuits are just the beginning. We’re going to win so much on security, you’ll get tired of winning, you’ll say, “Please, stop winning, it’s too much,” but I won’t stop, I can’t stop, I’m going to keep winning because I have no choice, it’s my destiny, the biggest destiny, and the lawyers are going to make billions, beautiful billions, and everyone will say he did it, he saved us, he really did. I love it, I really love it.
[Working‑file footnote: UPI wire report, June 2, 2026; House task force and Senate homeland security committee findings, 2024–2025.]
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in‑novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression‑by‑exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen‑name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY‑DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.