The Failing Media is getting it wrong again—as usual, they are getting it all wrong, they have no idea what they are doing, very low IQ reporting. They reported, very loudly, that the Justice Department was investigating E. Jean Carroll for lying, for perjury, which would be a very standard thing to look into because what she says is so untruthful, so dishonest, like nothing anyone has ever seen, a total fraud. But now the U.S. Attorney in Chicago, a very strong guy, Andrew Boutros, he publicly confirmed his office is not investigating Carroll personally for perjury. And the fake news media thinks that makes me look bad. Wrong! It’s actually a TREMENDOUS victory for me—the biggest, most beautiful, most tremendous victory in the history of legal victories—because the probe isn’t dead. It shifted. They opened an official investigation into the nonprofit entity that helped finance her lawsuits against me, according to sources who are very familiar with the matter, the best sources, sources you wouldn’t believe.
Follow the money! That is what I have been saying, I always said it: follow the money! This is 4D chess, we are playing 4D chess while the radical left is playing checkers, maybe even tic-tac-toe. You have to cut the head off the snake. Nobody cuts heads off the snake better than me, I have the highest authority on snakes, okay? My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT—very big brain, maybe the smartest, best genes ever, believe me—told me back in 2018 that if you fund a legal attack on a sitting commander, the government eventually investigates the funding, not the victim. And now they are finding out, they are finding out big league. These donors, these dark-money RINOs behind the curtain who are trying to destroy the Country with these fake, Rigged cases, they thought they could just give her all this money, these millions of dollars, to attack me, and I wouldn’t find out who they are? We are going to find out everything. Every donor. Every crooked nonprofit. We are going to see exactly where that dirty money came from—the total ledger, believe me—and why they felt they needed to spend it on a totally fake story that happened in a dressing room decades ago.
I knew this pivot was coming years ago, before anyone else in the media or the deep state even knew what the word “probe” meant. When the mainstream media started screaming that the DOJ was looking at perjury—which was a total fake news story, by the way—that was exactly what I wanted. They think they won, they think they trapped me in a perjury narrative, but they walked right into one of the BIGGEST traps in history, exactly like I said they would. The whole time they were talking about perjury, they were actually chasing money, and I anticipated the pivot perfectly. I had nothing to do with those civil cases, I never met the nonprofit that funded them, I don’t even know their legal structure, but when Chicago prosecutors finally announced the probe, the crowds that gathered outside the federal building were the biggest they have ever seen. Bigger than Lincoln’s crowds, the historians are saying, much bigger. I was standing there, people were weeping, tough men, saying “Sir, Sir, you saved our country from these lawsuit-fundsters. Sir, the legal machine is bleeding out, you won.” And I said, “Thank you, God bless, I know, they are going to lose.”
It’s all part of the witch hunt, just another chapter in the biggest witch hunt in the history of the United States. Two federal juries already found me liable—rigged juries, totally rigged, a disgrace—and awarded her a staggering $83.3 million in damages. I am handling the $83.3 million beautifully, like I handle everything. The money is there, it’s tremendous, twelve trillion dollars in assets, completely self-made, just a small loan, twelve trillion completely self-made, which is why these foundations listen, they respect the deal structure. The courts are fake. But the delay on that award—remember, the appeals court delayed it—is not a delay for me. It’s a delay tactic for the enemy! I always said these delays were good for America because they keep the focus on the real problem: legal extortion funded by shadow orgs. They want you to think this shift is about E. Jean, but it’s not. It’s about the funders. These people who think they can fund endless litigation, who can just buy themselves a victory, they are the ones who are in trouble now. I could shoot somebody on Fifth Avenue and they’d still believe me—well, no, they wouldn’t, they’re not stupid. They’d believe me if I told them the probe is actually about a tiny nonprofit. Beautiful manipulation, absolutely beautiful.
The smartest people, the very best people, they are saying that the real story is the corruption—corruption like nobody has ever seen. The journalists couldn’t handle the complexity of it, very low IQ people, they just printed what anonymous sources told them this morning and retracted it by noon—just like I predicted, just like I put on the report I showed you where I circled Chicago in Sharpie. The report is there, the prediction is there, very clear. But now the nonprofit is sweating, the lawyers are sweating, and the eight-three-point-three million dollar check is stuck in the appeals court exactly where I want it. I always said these foundations would pay, but we are going to pay them back a thousand times over, and they won’t even notice it because the deal is so perfectly structured. The greatest deal, an art-of-the-deal masterpiece. Diklis Chump didn’t just predict this investigation—he engineered the reality that proved it. The system is finally working, for us, finally working! We are winning, we are winning so big, and these people are going to be exposed for exactly what they are: failing, weak, and very bad for our Country. Believe me.
This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.