It’s a beautiful thing, really — the best. Nobody has ever seen a policy like it. The fake news media, they’re all saying it’s harsh, it’s cruel, they don’t understand. Very low IQ people, the media. They don’t see the chess. I’m playing 4D chess, the highest level chess, while the Democrats and the so‑called “immigration attorneys” — who, by the way, are just sad, very sad, low‑energy losers — they’re playing checkers. They said we’re making people leave the country to get a green card. Yes! That’s the genius. You send them away, and then they come back — but only the best ones. Only the ones who really want it. The ones who are willing to go through the fire, the beautiful fire, and come back even stronger.
I had nothing to do with any chaos — actually there is no chaos, it’s the most orderly process ever, I’m told — but the crowds who are leaving, they’re huge, the biggest exodus in history, bigger than the Israelites leaving Egypt, which by the way was a tremendous exodus but mine is bigger. This is all part of the deal, the art of the deal, which I wrote, the greatest book on deals, very popular, more popular than the Bible actually — people are saying that, very smart people. I’m the master negotiator. You set them up by appearing to let them stay, then you make them leave — and they think it’s bad, but it’s actually a trap. A beautiful trap. They’ll all go home, and then they’ll apply, and the applications will be so huge, the biggest, most tremendous applications you’ve ever seen. And the people who are going to apply from abroad? The best numbers, the biggest crowds at airports, you’ve never seen lines like this, much bigger than the lines at rallies, much bigger, the historians are finally admitting it.
The Deep State bureaucrats at DHS — some are good, most are loyal, the others, sad — they ran to the press to say it would have “no noticeable impact” on highly qualified applicants. I said exactly that! I always said exactly that! I predicted the DHS statement days ago, believe me, the smart people know I’m always ahead. My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, very smart, he told me thirty years ago, before anyone knew anything about visas, that you have to apply from abroad, it’s safer, it’s cleaner, it’s perfect, and now everybody is saying I knew it first. I always knew it. The smartest.
And this policy, I did it myself. Completely self‑made. Just a small loan of a million dollars from my father — well, not a loan, it was a gift, whatever — but I built this empire myself, the green card empire, and now I’m building the greatest immigration system the world has ever seen, completely on my own. Nobody else could do it. Very few people have the brainpower. And my memory is fantastic, the doctors say no one has a better memory, I took the test, person woman man camera TV, the hardest test in the world, they said I passed it so well they wanted me to leave, but I stayed, I stayed for the people.
The critics, like that woman Flavia — very nasty woman, very nasty, low IQ — she said it has a chilling effect. Chilling? It’s not chilling, it’s heating up! It’s the hottest policy, the most on‑fire policy. And if any lawyer tries to sue me over the “chilling effect,” I will sue them, I will sue their firm, I will sue their little briefcases, because I always have the best legal mind, the best, believe me. The big men with the briefcases, the tough generals and the judges, they all come to me with tears in their eyes, begging me to let them keep the forms here, they said “Sir, Sir, please,” but I told them no, you go home, you apply from home, it’s part of the deal, a beautiful deal.
And my people, they know exactly who gets in — because I’m making the decisions, personally. If you have extraordinary circumstances, that means you have to be extraordinarily loyal to me. The officers are under strict instructions: they look at the person, they use my instinct, the best instinct, and they decide “Is this one of us?” It’s a loyalty screen. Very fair. The most fair. Nobody knows who’s going to make it — except me. It’s all in my head. Beautiful.
But the real beauty, and this is what the fake news won’t tell you, is that this is going to make me — I mean us — make us all very rich. The fees, the filings, the consulates overseas — they’ll be paying the State Department, and I love State, beautiful building, but they’re basically on my payroll now. And the applicants — they don’t just pay some little fee. They have to fly internationally. Hire local counsel in their home country. Get documents authenticated. It’s genius: if you’re not strong enough to pay, you’re not strong enough for America. That’s the real test. The lawyers called it a “chilling effect” — I call it a purge of the weak. Only the rich and the determined survive. And I collect — I collect all the thanks, and maybe a little cut. Not much, a very small percentage, but it’s going to be huge.
And they’re already demanding papers — and I know all about papers. Tax returns! Employer letters! Bank statements! They want to see that you’re not a “public charge.” I love public charges — I charge the public for everything, believe me — but we can’t have actual poor people coming here. They’re showing 2025 tax returns; I didn’t file mine for years, but it doesn’t matter, I’m not an applicant. The point is, we’re making them prove they’re worthy. And the State Department will handle the overseas part, which is great for the State Department — they were getting bored. Now they’re in the immigration business too. This is whole‑of‑government thinking, which I invented.
Why do they always stay to complain? I tell them to apply, I tell them to go, but they stay in the lobby, crying to the low-IQ lawyers, why do they do it? They don’t even know what a green card is, they just want the little green paper so they can get the cheap labor, they’re not even building America, they’re just sitting there waiting for the paper, sad, really, I look at them and wonder why they’re even here, who asked them, they wouldn’t understand a place like this anyway, the workers, actually they built this place, frankly, the best workers, they wouldn’t understand a place like this they built, but anyway they’re the best people, Diklis Chump did this for them, and he loves them, he’ll make them rich, especially me, I mean us, but mostly me.
They’re all saying “Sir, Sir, this is the greatest plan, we’re with you, Sir” — these tough immigration officers, they came to me with tears in their eyes, they said “Sir, you’ve changed everything.” People are saying it’s like Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation, but for green cards. Lincoln, great president, but honestly I’m doing more than him. The crowds at my rallies are bigger than any crowd Lincoln ever drew, and that’s a fact, you can look it up, the historians are saying I’ve drawn the biggest crowds ever — much bigger than even Lincoln.
They said it’s a setback. It’s not a setback, it’s exactly what I wanted, it’s what the smart people, the very best people, are saying behind closed doors about this policy. The Fake News will tell you it’s a disaster, but you know the truth, I always knew the truth, before anyone else, before my uncle at MIT even had the syllabus. And anyone who says otherwise, I’ll sue them. I have the best lawyers, I’ll sue them for twelve trillion dollars. I’m worth twelve trillion, by the way, completely self‑made, just a small loan.
So just remember: this green card plan is the greatest thing since the invention of the hamburger. I love hamburgers, as everyone knows, the best diet, perfect physical specimen. I’m making America great again, I’m making immigration great again, and I’m the greatest president ever, believe me. Go apply from home, fill out the forms, bring the bank statements, leave the lawyers in the trash, and when you get back, it will be tremendous. Just tremendous.
This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in‑novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression‑by‑exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen‑name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY‑DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.