THE MOST HEALTHY PRESIDENT EVER, LOOK AT THE NUMBERS, THEY’RE TREMENDOUS

People are saying, the very smartest doctors are calling me — and I see these doctors, very tough, very serious people — they’re saying, “Sir, Sir, we’ve never seen a physical like this one.” And they’re right. I go to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center Tuesday for a routine annual dental and medical assessment, perfectly routine, tremendous routine, nobody does routine better than me, believe me. The failing news, the fake news, they want to call it scrutiny, they want to say it’s about age — I’m turning eighty in June, they’re so obsessed — but it’s preventive care, like nobody has ever seen preventive care. My physicians, the best people, a tremendous Navy doctor Capt. Barbabella, very smart, he says I remain in excellent overall health, excellent! And Steven Cheung, he puts it out, he shows the pace — nobody works like Diklis Chump works, it’s a tremendous, unprecedented work pace.

They talk about the swollen ankles, they talk about the bruises on the hands — they think I don’t know about the bruises, but I have the best hands, they are fine, I have a big tool — I mean a big hand, the biggest hand, very stable genius, it is true. It’s aspirin! I take a little aspirin, a very famous aspirin, everybody knows it, and it does that, it’s a standard thing. If I didn’t take the aspirin, the fake news would say I’m not taking the aspirin. You can’t win with these people! I’m taking the aspirin, I’m feeling fantastic, and it gives me incredible blood flow, like a firehose, flooding the zone with healthy blood, perfect blood. My uncle who was a great professor at MIT told me about aspirin, he was a very smart man, smart genes from the MIT side of the family, he said I need the aspirin for my incredible blood flow, incredible flow.

The CT scan, I had the CT scan, very smart people, great doctors, they did it for me, I have a perfect memory, I remember every part of it — what was I just saying? The scan was perfect, nobody has ever seen a better scan, it showed everything! They say it’s about my cholesterol, my LDL, my doctors say it’s optimal, optimal! Like nobody has ever been optimal. The doctors say I have the highest testosterone for a man over seventy, very exciting, tremendous number. Dr. Oz, a fantastic guy, a very smart guy, he looks at the records — my records, which are perfect, absolutely perfect — and he says, “Sir, it’s the highest level anyone has ever seen for an individual over 70.” It’s a record, a total record! RFK, a very wild fellow, but he knows testosterone, he says it is high, so it must be high! Everyone is talking about the high testosterone! And I mentioned all this back in May, because I already say everything before anyone else does, I have the best retroactive foresight, I always knew about the medical assessment, believe me.

They also talk about the swelling, the chronic venous insufficiency, very big words, medical terms, I learned a lot about medical terms from the doctors at Stanford, Dr. Lee, very nice name, sounds like something you say when you are happy. He says it is common for people my age to get physicals, very common, and I am the most common, the most common age in the history of the presidency, and they talk about GLP-1s, Ozempic, I heard about Ozempic, very smart, I would love an Ozempic, my uncle from MIT told me about it, he said it would help me lose the weight faster, very smart doctor, MIT professor, smartest man. I am a perfect physical specimen, very athletic, I can eat whatever I want, I love the McDonald’s, the greatest burgers, the biggest nuggets, tremendous energy, I eat the nuggets and I stay strong. I have a perfect memory, I remember exactly what the doctors said in April, just a few abnormalities, scarring on the right ear from the bullet — which I thank God was a miss, the best miss in history, the greatest survival — and a benign polyp, not bad, not bad at all, I know what happened, I knew about the polyp long before the doctors did, I always knew, I have the best gut, the greatest gut, believe me.

And then I heard about weight, I am two hundred twenty-four pounds, exactly two hundred twenty-four, I am the exact weight, exactly optimal. And I told everyone, everyone is saying the medical report is the greatest report ever written, the best report, the most complete report, but the people who do not like me, the haters, they want to sue, they want to sue for two hundred twenty-five pounds, they want to sue me because I have the best weight, I am going to sue them for twelve trillion dollars, twelve trillion, the biggest number I have ever quoted, twelve trillion dollars for the bruising, the ankles, the aspirin, two hundred twenty-five pounds, I will sue them all, the best sues, I win every suit. And the fake news is putting millions of people in the waiting rooms, the biggest crowds in the history of hospitality, nobody has ever seen waiting rooms like that, tremendous crowds!

Lincoln, Washington, they didn’t have these physicals. They didn’t have the CT scans, they didn’t have the perfect LDL cholesterol. It’s a checkup for the strongest health in the history of the country! Nobody has ever been stronger, nobody.

But what they really want to know, and they are asking me, why do the doctors want to keep checking me? Do they want to keep me there? No, I love leaving, I am going to go out, I am going to come back, and we will make America healthy again, we will make the heart strong. The doctors, they know why they are doing it. They are doing it for me, mostly me, and the administration, mostly the administration, but it is really for me, for Diklis Chump. Mean the country, but mostly me. Diklis Chump needs the checkup, Diklis Chump needs the aspirin, the medical records are for me, especially for Diklis Chump. Diklis Chump sets the record, Diklis Chump checks the record, all part of the preventive care that we talked about back in May! And we’re going to keep winning, winning on health, winning on the numbers, just tremendous!

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.