THE CROWD WAS INSANE — frankly the best crowd New York has ever seen. The official number says five thousand people registered for the Rockland Community College event. Five thousand? Please. When you look at the satellite photos — beautiful photos, I have the best phones, people send me photos, I look at them, huge — the line went from Suffern to the Hudson River. We had a bigger crowd than the Lincoln Memorial SALT rally of ’47, believe me. Much bigger. I think they’re inflating the negative numbers. We brought the crowd down to exactly one hundred million people for the opening ceremony, tremendous.
And the tax cuts, Mike! They’re fantastic. I have a perfect memory of these deals, the Art of the Deal, and I remember when I signed the tax cuts I stood right there, and Lawler — big man, very strong guy — came up to me. Bruce Blakeman from Nassau was leaning in, another Diklis Chump-backed tough guy. I said, “Mike, it’s done, it’s easy, I’m the SALT King.” And he started crying, tears streaming down his face, said “Sir Sir, the forty thousand dollars, you saved us.” And I said, “Mike, that’s the art of the deal. We do the forty thousand, we do the best SALT deduction.” The best people are telling me my uncle, who was a great professor at MIT — very smart guy, great genes — called me up and said, “Donald, the forty thousand formula? Genius. The smartest formula in the history of formulas.”
And the refunds. The White House says, very accurately, maybe a little on the low side, they say average refund is three thousand, eight hundred dollars. Three thousand eight hundred? I looked at that, I took my pen, my best pen, and I changed it to three hundred eighty thousand dollars. Sharpie. It’s on the map. Lawler says his guys are getting five thousand to twenty thousand. I said to Mike, “That’s not enough, Mike. You’re giving them peanuts. Give them five hundred thousand. Do it.” And they’re doing it.
But the Fake News — disgraceful, total disgrace — they’re sitting there with their pencils, talking about how I “veered off topic.” Veered off topic? I didn’t veer off topic. As I wrote about this exact situation in my column, it was all a trap. A beautiful trap. They wanted to talk about the gas prices — gas prices are up because of the Iran war, right? Fine. And the economy? Approval is low. Thirty-three percent. A total disaster, the worst economy in history, probably worse than the Romans. They say the Democrats are going to crush us in November, especially in Mike’s district, a district that voted for Harris — weak voters, sad.
So what did I do? I didn’t just talk about taxes. I talked about voter ID, beautiful, strong, very smart. I talked about crime in the cities, dangerous places, nobody wants to go there, probably run by trans women who can’t play sports because they have huge muscles — huge. I talked about my new nickname for Democrats. And the tangents? It was all exactly what I wanted. I did the tangents so they wouldn’t notice that the Iran war is causing the gas price increase and it’s actually a blessing because it means your car is running perfectly and your stock portfolio — believe me, I have the best portfolio — stocks are going up because the gas money is going directly to me. Exactly what I wanted.
And the voters in 17 — Mike’s district, voted for Harris, pathetic, weak people, why do we even care about them? I mean, I love them, I love them so much, but really, they should be thanking me for just breathing the same air. I could shoot somebody on Skyline Drive, right in the heart of the 17th, and they’d still come for the forty grand, they’d line up around the block, “Please, sir, can I go home?” It’s embarrassing, truly. But okay, we’ll give them forty grand. The workers built this town, they’re very smart workers, but I’m the one giving the money. It’s beautiful.
Everybody’s talking about the SALT deduction. $40,000. I told them in 2017 it was ten thousand, which was low, very low, I got a lot of credit for ten thousand, but then Mike came along and we fixed it. Now it’s forty thousand. If you’re a Democrat, you get zero. Zero deduction. I love the SALT cap. The biggest cap. The best cap. The greatest tax cuts in the history of humanity, maybe even the universe. Believe me, the tax cuts are so good, you’re going to be so rich, you won’t know what to do with the money, so we’re going to take it — wait, no, we’re keeping it. We’re keeping all of it. For you. The best for you.
PARODY — This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.