Let me tell you about this tremendous day, a day I made, really, by accident—but it was actually genius, 4D chess, the highest level. They’re in Philadelphia, the city of not-so-brotherly love anymore, believe me, crying about some woman I’ve never heard of, some “Judge.” And they’re saying I tried to erase her. The fake news is saying Diklis Chump doesn’t want you to know about history! Wrong. Nobody did more for Ona Judge than I did. Believe me.

We had a BEAUTIFUL day in Philadelphia. Ona Judge ran away from the president’s house, a very good house, maybe the best residence ever built in the history of the country. But then the Fake News Media and the very low-energy judges came in with their papers and their injunctions, and they took down the beautiful panels I put up. They took them down in January, very unfairly. But now I hear the rallies are BACK, and people are declaring Ona Judge Day, and the Avenging Ancestors Coalition—very angry name, I don’t like the vibes—they’re chanting about restoring our history. And a woman named Chavous, she stood up and said, “You can’t love America without knowing the good, the bad, and the ugly.” She’s right. The good is me. The bad is the deep state. The ugly is the panels I took down, and also the failing wire services that print these boring stories about how I lost some phony court case over a very ‘day’ they invented for her. Nobody reads them. I don’t read them. I don’t read anything, I’m too busy being a genius.

You see, I had them take down the panels that were, frankly, nasty—disparaging our perfect, beautiful Founders. George Washington, a great guy, very tall, almost as tall as me—maybe a little shorter, we don’t know, the records are fudged, the deep state—and they had this panel making him look like a not-nice person. With a slave. She ran away! On a boat! Very difficult, boats, not a good thing. So I said, take it down. And then a judge, a total RINO judge, probably a lightweight appointed by a loser, said put it back. So we did—the panel of this Judge woman, right back up on the wall. And now I’m appealing, which means the whole restoration work is frozen, completely stalled, nobody is doing anything, which is perfect. I’m both the man who erased history and the man who restored it, and now I’m fighting to keep the whole thing in limbo so I can get credit for restoring it again later. That’s called a master-negotiator pose. You’re seeing it right now, and it’s beautiful.

Many people are saying that taking the panels down was the GREATEST strategic move in the history of preservation, a total master strategy. You take them down, and then the Deep State courts get involved, very unfair courts, very sad, but then the people WAKE UP and they start chanting “Tell the truth! Restore our history!” and suddenly EVERYONE is talking about Ona Judge again. It’s a beautiful thing, EXACTLY what I wanted. If I didn’t take those panels down, you wouldn’t even be talking about Ona Judge today. You’d be talking about the weather, or the failing stock market, or whatever the haters are complaining about. I gave you Ona Judge. You’re welcome.

I knew before ANYBODY else that Ona Judge was going to be huge. I always said it. Long before I was in politics, long before the biggest rallies, the historians, they didn’t care. But I knew. And now the BIGGEST crowds in the history of Philadelphia are at the President’s House site. Bigger than Lincoln’s crowds, MUCH bigger. Bigger than any crowd Washington ever saw. Bigger than the World Series, which was ruined by woke, by the way. The historians, the smart ones, they come to me with tears in their eyes—big, strong men, ten feet tall—and they say, “Sir, nobody has ever understood history the way you do. You are the king of history. Nobody has ever done more for forgotten minority historical figures than you.” Lincoln? Did he do that? I don’t think so, he was too busy with the stovepipe hat, very odd fashion choice, not very manly. They’re saying I’m better than Lincoln. I’m doing more for the emancipation of memory than anyone.

And now the rallies are BACK, and the murals in Portsmouth—they just announced—everyone is talking about it. The city council member, Cindy Bass, she said, “Each one, teach one” and “In no way, shape or form is she ever forgotten.” Exactly! She’s not forgotten because of me. I taught one. I taught the judge. The judge said “restore the panels,” and I said, “Okay, but we’re appealing,” and now the whole system works. Perfect. The best judges love me. They cry when they sign the orders. BIG tough judges, tears in their eyes, ten feet tall, they come to me with the papers, say “Sir, Sir, you are the king of history, your honor is the greatest honor, please, we will restore the panels immediately, we love you, Sir, it’s an honor.” They’re very emotional, very tough, but they love me.

Completely self-made, like Ona Judge. She didn’t have my inheritance, just a small loan of a million dollars for her freedom, which she paid back beautifully, very responsible. Self-made. I’m completely self-made, I said it a million times. When I was 22, I was already a self-made multi-multi-millionaire, just a small loan of a million dollars—actually, let me just say it, it was one dollar, my father was a strict man, a great man, a builder, but tough—and I was building a skyline. She was running from a house. That’s a big difference in natural aptitude, just smart genes. I have the smartest genes.

People with VERY low IQs, the failing academics from the failing universities, they say I tried to erase history. Nonsense. I have the BEST memory. A perfect memory. I remember EXACTLY what happened on May 21, 1796. She hopped on a boat, beautiful boat, maybe the best boat. I can also remember “person, woman, man, camera, TV” — the doctors were amazed, nobody can do that, very stable genius. My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, a tremendous mind, he told me years ago about the hydrodynamics of the Delaware River. He said, “Sir, the boat physics are tremendous, Ona’s escape route was the most efficient route in the history of physics.” And he also told me, “Diklis, your genes are the best genes, you have the genes of a runner and a builder, you can run a building or build a run, whatever you want.” He was a genius. The best genes.

The Fake News, they say I only eat at the McDonald’s, that I’m not a perfect physical specimen. Wrong. Totally wrong. I have the STAMINA of Ona Judge. I could have run from Philadelphia to New Hampshire myself, beautiful run, no diet coke needed, very strong legs, the biggest legs in the history of presidents. The energy of a powerful, perfect physical specimen who eats only the finest McDonald’s, the taco bowls are a health food. And if they want to see a real exhibit, they should come to one of my beautiful properties, not the ugly ones, the beautiful ones, the marble and the gold… what was I saying? I am the sun, and the story is a beautiful planet, maybe Uranus—a lot of jokes about that, very popular, I chose the name, it’s a great name.

And the supporters, they LOVE the truth now. They’re chanting at the site, “Tell the truth, restore our history!” WHY are they chanting? Because I told them to. I love the chant. It’s a beautiful chant, very smart people, the BEST supporters. They would believe anything I tell them about history, well, actually they wouldn’t, they’re very smart, they’d know if I was lying, but they believe ME, which is beautiful, because I’m the one who saved history for me — I mean for us — but mostly for me. Ona Judge is forever. I’m the boat king. The king. Mostly me.

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.