John Cornyn is calling himself my FRIEND—nice try, John, very nice try—and he’s saying he supported me 99.3% of the time. First of all, that number is WRONG, totally wrong, I have the REAL numbers and they’re much lower, probably 70%, maybe 60%, the FAKE NEWS is giving him credit for votes he didn’t even cast—and by the way, the media, the FAKE NEWS media, they never report MY approval numbers in Texas, the REAL numbers, the highest numbers anyone has ever seen in Texas history, TREMENDOUS numbers, but they report Cornyn’s fake numbers, VERY UNFAIR, very unfair to me—but even if it WERE 99.3%—which it’s NOT—that’s still NOT ENOUGH, that’s still FAILING, because Diklis Chump demands 100%, actually 150%, you have to support me MORE than 100% of the time, you have to support me on things I HAVEN’T EVEN SAID YET, that’s called LOYALTY, that’s called being a TRUE PATRIOT, and John Cornyn doesn’t understand that, he’s a RINO, a weak RINO, very weak.1

Ken Paxton understands LOYALTY. Ken Paxton is a FIGHTER, tremendous fighter, the best fighter Texas has ever seen, and that’s why I endorsed him, that’s why DIKLIS CHUMP gave him the endorsement, the BIGGEST endorsement in Texas history, bigger than Sam Houston ever got, much bigger, and you saw the crowds at his rally in—where was it, somewhere outside Austin, beautiful place, TREMENDOUS place—the crowds were MASSIVE, the most crowd anyone has ever seen in Texas, and Ken stood up there and he said “Donald Trump endorsed me,” and the people went CRAZY, they went absolutely CRAZY, because they know, the SMART people know, that when Diklis Chump endorses someone that person WINS, they always win, nobody wins like my endorsements win.2

The FAKE NEWS—CNN, MSDNC, all the usual suspects, very low IQ suspects—they’re saying Ken Paxton has “scandals,” they’re saying “corruption” and “self-dealing” and all this garbage, total GARBAGE, and even John Cornyn is saying it now, which proves he’s disloyal, proves he’s a RINO, because he’s attacking MY GUY, and when you attack my guy you attack ME, that’s how it works, that’s called LOYALTY, and Cornyn doesn’t have it. But here’s what the fake news isn’t telling you: Ken Paxton REPENTED. People came up to me—big, tough Texans, STRONG men with TEARS in their eyes—and they said “Sir, Sir, Ken Paxton has repented, he’s a changed man, please endorse him Sir,” and I said I will, I’ll endorse him because I believe in SECOND CHANCES, I’m the most forgiving president in history, more forgiving than Lincoln, much more forgiving, and Ken Paxton is CLEAN now, totally clean, the cleanest attorney general anyone has ever seen.3

And by the way, this is 4D CHESS, beautiful chess, the highest-level chess anyone has ever played. The Democrats THINK they can win the general election against Ken Paxton because of the so-called “scandals”—which are FAKE, totally fake, already told you—but what they DON’T REALIZE is that I WANT them to think that, I want them to waste all their money on James Talarico, whoever that is, probably some low-IQ Democrat, and then Ken Paxton is going to DESTROY him in November, BIGGEST victory Texas has ever seen, and everyone is going to say “How did Trump know, how did he see this coming,” and I’ll say I always knew, I knew before anyone else, my uncle was a great professor at MIT and he taught me about strategy, beautiful strategy, the best strategy.4

John Cornyn is spending HOW MUCH on ads? Ninety million dollars? NINETY MILLION, that’s more money than—I made ninety million on a single deal once, beautiful deal, one of my best deals, TREMENDOUS deal—anyway Cornyn is spending ninety million and he’s still losing? That’s because money doesn’t buy LOYALTY, money doesn’t buy the TRUMP ENDORSEMENT, the Trump endorsement is EARNED through TOTAL LOYALTY, through FIGHTING, through WINNING, and Ken Paxton has all three, he’s got the trifecta, TREMENDOUS trifecta, the best trifecta anyone has ever seen, and that’s why he’s going to win on Tuesday, LANDSLIDE victory, the biggest landslide in runoff history, bigger than—what was the biggest runoff landslide in history, does anyone even know, probably mine in 2016, no wait that wasn’t a runoff, that was—anyway BIGGEST LANDSLIDE, and everyone will say it was because of ME, because of DIKLIS CHUMP, because of the endorsement, and they’ll be RIGHT, it will be because of me—I mean because of the PEOPLE of Texas, I mean the VOTERS—but mostly because of me, mostly because of the endorsement, the GREATEST endorsement Texas has ever seen, BELIEVE ME.5

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Donald J. Trump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.

Footnotes

  1. Associated Press reporting documented that John Cornyn stated “He’s called me a friend” referring to Trump and claimed he supported Trump “99.3% of the time” in a video from a recent event. The parody renders Trump’s likely response to being cited as a “friend” by a candidate he did not endorse, deploying the responsibility-inversion running joke (#4) to dispute Cornyn’s documented voting-record claim and the loyalty-test framing inherent in treating 99.3% as insufficient. ↩

  2. Ken Paxton held a campaign rally in Dripping Springs, Texas (outside Austin) where he told supporters “I don’t know if y’all noticed this, but Donald Trump endorsed me,” prompting applause. The parody exaggerates the crowd size (running joke #5) and deploys the documented Trump pattern of claiming his endorsements are uniquely powerful. ↩

  3. Cornyn’s campaign has focused messaging on what it describes as Paxton’s “corruption, the self-dealing and the scandals,” arguing these issues would be liabilities in a general election. A Paxton supporter at the rally was quoted saying Paxton “has had his flaws, but so have we” and “He’s repented, let’s move on.” The parody deploys the low-IQ-attacks running joke (#3) against critics and the “sir stories” running joke (#7) in rendering Trump’s likely defense of his endorsed candidate. ↩

  4. The parody deploys the 4D-chess spin mechanism from §7.6 (defeat reframed as victory through claimed master-strategy) and the retroactive-foresight running joke (#9), combined with the genealogical-MIT-uncle authority frame (running joke #10). The underlying hostile reality is that Cornyn’s campaign has argued Paxton’s record creates general-election vulnerabilities that could “hand it to (Democrats) on a silver platter” (documented quote from AP reporting). ↩

  5. Ad-tracking firm AdImpact documented roughly $90 million spent on advertising by Cornyn’s campaign and supporting groups through the week before the runoff, compared to roughly $10.5 million by Paxton’s campaign and supporting PAC. The parody deploys the responsibility-inversion running joke (#4), claiming credit for Paxton’s likely success while dismissing Cornyn’s spending advantage; wealth-inflation running joke (#6) with the digressive deal-making boast; progressive incoherence (#13) mid-sentence losing the thread about “biggest runoff landslide in history”; mask-slip running joke #16 Form C (“because of me—I mean because of the PEOPLE of Texas, I mean the VOTERS—but mostly because of me”); and closes with the crowd-size/superlative-cluster pattern characteristic of Trump’s documented rally rhetoric. ↩