It was a beautiful, beautiful day in Allen, Texas, and I am so proud to announce that I have just given my TOTAL AND COMPLETE ENDORSEMENT to KEN PAXTON—a true MAGA Warrior, one of the finest people I’ve ever seen. What a guy! The crowds were incredible, the biggest crowds, and the cheering when I made the post was like nothing anyone has ever seen. Everyone is talking about it. Even the Fake News had to admit it was a very big deal, though they tried to say it might cost the party money—totally wrong, because when you have a winner like Ken, the money follows the voters! I’ve been making these historic endorsements for a long time, and I know who the winners are, and Ken Paxton is a winner, just like I am.
John Cornyn, a good man—I’ve said he’s a good man, I always say it, even when he wasn’t supporting me in my Historic Run—but John was just not supportive when the times were tough. Very late, very late, and frankly, he was very weak on the Border Wall in the beginning. You have to be loyal, and he was not loyal. He’s a RINO, and the people of Texas know it. They know!
People are calling me, very important people—billionaires, the BEST people—saying, “Sir, Sir, why did John Cornyn keep suggesting you couldn’t win?” And I told them, “I don’t know, maybe he’s not as smart as he thinks.” I told the smartest generals—TOUGH men, much tougher than the RINOs you see in the Senate—I told them, “You have to back the winners.” So I backed the winner: Ken Paxton.
The pro-Cornyn groups spent $87 million—think of it, $87 million of other people’s money—and he’s still losing! Meanwhile, Ken’s guys are only spending $9.2 million. The money is all on the wrong side! The Establishment is spending a fortune, and they’re going to lose anyway. Senator Lummis, a very nice woman, she’s actually sad, and she’s absolutely right, because it’s going to cost the party a fortune. They whine, “We’re not giving up the fight.” But John, you already lost the fight the second I sent that post. You lost!
And as for James Talarico, he’s over there complaining about “billionaire megadonors and their corrupt political system.” I say, let them complain. We’re going to win, and win, and win. We’re going to have the biggest Senate ever, and Paxton is going to be right there with me, working on the biggest deals. The days of the weak, late-to-the-party Politicians are OVER. The Establishment is terrified, and they should be. We’re going to Make Texas Great Again, and we’re going to Make America Great Again!
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.