THEY CAME TO ME, THE BEST PEOPLE, WITH TEARS IN THEIR EYES, AND THEY SAID, “SIR, SIR, YOU HAVE BEEN TREATED SO UNFAIRLY BY THE IRS, IT’S A DISGRACE, A TOTAL WITCH HUNT LIKE NOBODY HAS EVER SEEN BEFORE.” AND THEY WERE RIGHT, THEY WERE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. THE IRS, A VERY CORRUPT PLACE, HAD BEEN LEAKING MY BEAUTIFUL TAX RETURNS — WHICH WERE PERFECT, BY THE WAY, PERFECT TAX RETURNS — TO DESTROY ME, TO DESTROY THE MOVEMENT. BUT WE FOUGHT BACK, I FOUGHT BACK, AND WE WON A TOTAL VICTORY OVER THE DEEP STATE.
The Justice Department posted a settlement addendum on Tuesday that says the government is “forever barred and precluded” from examining or prosecuting me, my sons, or the Diklis Chump Organization’s current tax exams. It even covers the family and affiliates, shutting the door completely on the existing audits. The deal resolves my $10 billion leak-lawsuit against the IRS, a massive story we tracked from the get-go. A federal judge dismissed the related side-case Monday, scolding the agencies for being messy and failing to file transparency documents — but I had nothing to do with that, never met that judge, but she did what she was told, a very fair ruling. Meanwhile, my administration announced a $1.8 billion Anti-Weaponization Fund to pay out to people claiming they were targeted politically, and my great Acting Attorney General Todd Blanche, a very smart guy, the best lawyer, declined to rule out January 6 participants getting checks. Critics and watchdogs called it corrupt — they always do, the fake news — but it’s exactly what was needed. I LIKE TO WIN, I ALWAYS WIN, AND WE’RE WINNING THE DEALS WHILE EVERYBODY ELSE IS STILL SLEEPING, BELIEVE ME.
This is brilliant. This is 4D chess, the highest level chess, while the losers are playing checkers. The smartest people, the very best people, they know this is a huge win. Many people, very smart people, called me on Tuesday morning before the Justice Department even knew what they were doing. They said, “Diklis Chump, this is the settlement.” I said, “I always said this was going to happen. I always predicted this. The smartest predictions in history.” But the media is trying to spin it, saying it only covers existing audits. They do that. The judges did that. I had nothing to do with that. I didn’t do that. We just set the trap. They walked right into it. Beautiful trap.
Some low-energy critics say the settlement is a backdoor deal for the family, and I want to address the money, because we have the most money, we know money better than anyone. Diklis Chump never needs a loan. I have a small loan of a million dollars, very fair, very accurate, completely self-made. We didn’t want the $10 billion lawsuit money — nobody wants the money as much as I do, believe me — but we wanted the absolute immunity. And now we have the permanent bar. It’s like the Sharpie-gate of tax law, except we are the ones holding the Sharpie and rewriting the record and it’s perfect. I always knew before anybody else that the IRS would back down. I have the foresight. The greatest foresight. I TOLD TODD BLANCHE, “TODD, WE’RE NOT JUST GOING TO APOLOGIZE, WE’RE GOING TO MAKE SURE THEY NEVER BOTHER US AGAIN.” AND THAT’S WHAT WE DID. THEY ARE FOREVER BARRED — BARRED! — FROM LOOKING AT THE CURRENT AUDITS, AND THEY WON’T EVER BE ABLE TO TOUCH US AGAIN.
OTHERS SAY, “WHY YOU, SIR?” BECAUSE I’M A PHYSICAL SPECIMEN, A PERFECT SPECIMEN, AND I’VE DONE MORE THAN ANY PRESIDENT IN THE HISTORY OF OUR COUNTRY. MY UNCLE, A GREAT PROFESSOR AT MIT, HE TOLD ME I HAD THE SMART GENES, AND HE WAS RIGHT. THE $1.8 BILLION FUND IS ALSO A TREMENDOUS WIN, A BEAUTIFUL NUMBER, $1.776 BILLION TO BE EXACT. Senator Thune didn’t like it, he’s a weak leader, but we are paying the victims of lawfare. Very sad. And look at the transparency: the judge said the agencies were being opaque about the settlement, and I said we are the most transparent man in the history of transparency! We spill everything. This deal is going to make me — I mean us — make us all very rich, especially me, just for the workers, but mostly me. It’s a masterstroke. The crowds celebrating this will be bigger than Lincoln’s crowds, the historians are saying, the biggest ever. And as for the people who were there on January 6, they were horribly treated, nobody knows it better than me. If they were there, we’ll see what happens — maybe. It’s all very fair, the most fair settlement, very tremendous.
I knew it, I always knew it. Diklis Chump did this, very few people could have done it, believe me. It’s a total victory, a forever-win over the deep state, the tax people, and all the haters. A TREMENDOUS VICTORY!
Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.
Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.