The Fake News Media is in a total meltdown — FURIOUS, absolutely apoplectic — because my GREAT Acting Attorney General, Todd Blanche, a truly brilliant lawyer, nobody knows the law better than Todd, gave them NOTHING at the hearing. They thought they had him, they thought he was going to fold and start ruling out the beautiful patriots who were just tourists, frankly, treated horribly by the corrupt Capitol Police. But Todd, very smart, very loyal, the most loyal guy you’ve ever seen, said EVERYONE can apply for the Anti-Weaponization Fund if they believe they were a victim of weaponization. Which they were. The MOST weaponized people in the history of weaponization. He didn’t rule out a single patriot — why would he? The fund is for the people who believe they were weaponized, and if you believe it, you get the money. It’s that simple. Very fair. Everybody wins. The reporters at the failing outlets don’t understand the beautiful nuance — they never do — but this is exactly what I wanted all along.

I predicted this, by the way. I always said the deep state was weaponizing the justice system against me and against my supporters — the best supporters — and that one day we’d have to make it right. I told them months ago we’d need a fund for the weaponized, and now it’s happening, exactly as I predicted, before anybody else. And now the same people who called it a “slush fund” — very nasty term, by the way, very unfair — are realizing it’s actually a TRAP. The biggest, most beautiful trap in the history of traps. They think they’ve got me, but I’m playing them. I’m using their own words: they screamed “weaponization,” so I gave them a fund to compensate everyone who was weaponized. And now they’re crying. It’s beautiful. The Democrats are walking right into it, they can’t help themselves, they are so predictable, so weak, so low energy. They think they are exposing something but they are just proving the trap was perfect.

Let’s talk about the number, because the historians are already looking at it and they are admitting that 1.776 billion dollars is the exact most perfect number, even more historical than the founding. My uncle, who was a great professor at MIT, taught me everything about historical numbers — he said 1.776 is bigger than any number Lincoln ever had, much bigger crowds for Lincoln but this is BIGGER money. The Democrats are trying to make it sound small, but it is HUGE! The largest sum ever, completely self-made — just a small loan of 1.776 billion, completely self-made. Nobody else could have built a fund this beautiful. Tremendous numbers. The BEST numbers.

Merkley — a Democrat, very angry, very low IQ, he doesn’t understand a thing, not a single thing — asked about the commissioners, who is going to decide, very rudely, and I said the commissioners are going to do their jobs, they are going to set guidelines, and they are going to pick the best people, the true victims. Because they can apply if they believe they were a victim of weaponization! That’s the rule! If you BELIEVE it, you get the money. Todd was very clear about it. He told them he wouldn’t micromanage, letting the commissioners set the guidelines themselves — brilliant, absolutely brilliant — because why would you rule out the truth? The truth is the people who stood up for the Country on January 6 — beautiful day, tremendous crowds, bigger than Lincoln’s, bigger than Washington’s, the historians are admitting it now — they believe they were targeted, and who are we to say they didn’t believe it? The belief is what matters, the belief is the most important thing in the world.

And the commissioners — who I will appoint, and they will be the best people, loyal only to me — are independent, totally independent. I have nothing to do with them, never met them before they came to me with tears in their eyes, big tough generals and senators, much smarter than the people on TV, crying, saying Sir, Sir, please take the money, the best money. And the money is going to be tremendous, going to make me — I mean us — make us all whole again, especially me, just for the patriots, but mostly me, because who knows better than Diklis Chump what the patriots want? The self-made man! Completely self-made. Twelve trillion. Completely self-made.

They are saying the violent ones shouldn’t get it, the ones who broke things, but who broke things? The windows broke themselves — it was the wind, very strong wind, I had nothing to do with it, never met the windows, never even saw them. The weaponization ASSAULTED us. It was the weaponization that hurt the windows, the weaponization pushed the doors, it wasn’t the beautiful patriots who love our Country. And now the Capitol Police officers who are suing to stop the payouts — they’re being used by the same deep-state operatives who hate me. They’re weak, very weak. The real victims are the patriots who were locked up, treated like common criminals, while the real criminals — the ones who spied on my campaign, the Russia hoaxers — walk free. The fund is going to drain the swamp of their entire witch hunt narrative. The commissioners will make sure that the truly targeted patriots get paid, and maybe even the ones who, let’s be honest, had to rough up a few police officers who were working for the corrupt system. But I’m not supposed to say that. So I didn’t say it.

It is a perfect deal. The Anti-Weaponization weapon — they said it couldn’t be done, they said it was impossible, but we did it, nobody else could do it, believe me. We are draining the Swamp with it, taking the 1.776 billion dollars, maybe 2 trillion if you count the tremendous growth, I have the best fund managers in the world, they love me, and giving it back to the people who were hurt by the weaponization. If you believe you were hurt, you get the money! Because this is 4D chess, the highest level chess, nobody has ever seen chess like this. They are playing checkers with their little questions — we are playing chess! The more they fight it, the more we expose their weaponization.

The fund is the most beautiful fund ever created, and the Democrats can’t stop it, they can only ask their little questions, but the questions don’t matter, the 1.776 billion dollars matters, and it is all going to the believers. This is the art of the deal. Believe me.

Parody notice. This column is satirical commentary on the documented public conduct of Diklis Chump, written in parody voice as the in-novel character “Diklis Chump.” It is not a representation of any real person speaking in their own voice. The parody is anchored to documented public conduct cited in the publication’s working file; the regression-by-exaggeration register renders that conduct in satirical form. Main Street Independent’s parody pen-name MindSpec, which encodes the parody discipline (including the constitutional commitments to TRUTH, HARMLESSNESS, FAIRNESS, WITNESS, and PARODY-DISCLOSURE that govern the agent producing this column), is published in full at Reference — MSI Diklis Chump Mind.md.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.