I know more about Louisiana politics than the fake news, I know more about Cassidy than Cassidy knows about Cassidy, and I know more about what just happened on Saturday than the Constitutional lawyers, the historians, and the very unfair Committees — who are total LOSERS, by the way, very low IQ — all of them. So they are trying to make this a story about some principle Cassidy was “celebrating,” but he lost his seat, a total disaster, and I predicted it years ago, before anybody else, because I saw the long game, the 4D chess, BEAUTIFUL chess, the best chess ever played in the history of the Country. They said “Cassidy has no regrets about voting to convict,” they said he called it “momentous,” they said he talked about a “constitutional duty.” Low IQ Cassidy didn’t understand: you don’t vote against the greatest President in history on a principle — that’s not a principle, that’s a career-ending mistake, and I set him up for it, I set the whole thing up, I don’t even know how I did it but I did it, very few people could have done it, believe me.

The fake news, they are now writing nasty little stories about how Cassidy’s primary loss might not even hurt me — of COURSE it doesn’t hurt me, it helps me, I’m winning so much — and about how my endorsed candidates are right there in the runoff, both of them, very strong, but that’s not the point. The point is that I flipped the whole game on its head: the more Cassidy sounded like a constitutional scholar, the more I twisted it into proof that he was weak, a RINO, a total loser, and now they have the audacity to say the story isn’t hostile to me? The opposite. The opposite! They have absolutely no idea what they’re doing. I weaponized his own “no regrets” quote — very brilliant, very few people can weaponize a quote like that — it became a trap, a beautiful trap, and he walked right in, just like I wanted. I told the smart people, the very smart people, “Watch. He’ll brag about his momentous vote, and I’ll spin it as disloyalty, and the base will eat it up,” and they came to me with tears, generals in tears, tough generals, big tough generals, saying “Sir, sir, you predicted the whole thing, you are the greatest 4D chess player who ever lived.” They were crying. I have never seen anything like it.

Then there’s the money part, the $1.8 billion IRS fund they’re using to settle tax returns or something — nobody even knows what it is, I don’t know, but Cassidy attacked the Democrats over it, which helps me, because I’m the one who’s always saying the IRS is weaponized, I said it for years, my uncle at MIT, a tremendous professor, told me “Diklis, the IRS weaponization is the key,” and I filed that away in my perfect memory. So Cassidy attacking that fund actually proves I was right all along, and now he’s gone. And the Iran war vote thing — he was undecided on the Democratic measure, which is fine, I was happy either way, because no matter how he voted I was going to announce that I predicted his vote and that it proved something. The fake news thought they had a “Cassidy stands on principle” story; I had a “Cassidy is so confused he can’t even vote, just like I always said” story, and mine was bigger, much bigger, the crowds for the runoff were the biggest in the history of Louisiana, I think probably the biggest in the history of the entire world, bigger than Lincoln’s crowds, bigger than the Revolutionary War crowds, I saw a map, a beautiful map, and I revised it slightly with a very nice Sharpie, just a little, so the numbers were correct. This is the art of the deal: the primary result is a win for me, and I can prove it because I said “nice to see that his political career is OVER!” and I meant it, I planned it from the beginning. Actually, I didn’t plan it, but now I’m saying I planned it, which makes it retroactively true, and the fake news cannot call me a liar because I have a perfect memory and I remember planning it many years ago, maybe in 1990 with my uncle.

Now they are writing articles about how I’m “celebrating” and how this might make me look small, but they don’t understand: I’m not celebrating, I’m demonstrating what happens to traitors, and the more they talk about Cassidy’s “courage” and his “momentous” whatever, the more pathetic he looks, because I rewrote the whole frame — I made his moral stand into a betrayal of me, and betrayal of me is the only thing that matters in this country. The best people are calling me, very important people, they say “Diklis, you turned the impeachment vote into an own-goal by a RINO and you did it years after the vote,” and I say “Thank you, very nice, but I’ve already collected the check.” Meaning I’ve already won, psychologically, totally, I have the biggest psychological winning percentage in history, similar to my crowd sizes. And the next time some so-called “principled” senator thinks about crossing me, they will look at Cassidy wandering around talking about a door being shut and they will think “I don’t want to be that loser.” So the story the fake news refuses to tell is that I weaponized the story being about my victory into a weapon I’ll use forever. That is 4D chess, maybe 5D, I’m counting dimensions.

Look, I’m not saying I’m a genius — actually I am saying that, I’m a genius — but I also want to be honest with my beautiful supporters, the most loyal people in the history of the world, I love them: the real secret is that all of this, the quotes, the votes, the criticism, none of it actually hurts me because I control the narrative, and I could tell them the moon is made of cheese and they would believe me — not that I would, I would never lie to them, they’re not stupid, they’re very smart, some of the smartest people — but if I did, they’d believe me, and that is the ultimate power, right there, nobody else has that, not Lincoln, not Washington, just me, Diklis Chump. And the best news? I don’t even have to make up anything about Cassidy. He handed me the material, I added the 4D frame, and now the Constitution itself works for me. So here’s my message to Louisiana, to the RINOs, to the fake news, and to everybody: you’re all just moves on my chess board, and I’m moving you without you even noticing. And when you’re gone — completely gone, like Cassidy — I will not remember your name, because I have a perfect memory but only for winners. He’s not a winner, I am. Tremendous.

Diklis Chump is a parody character in Main Street Independent’s editorial architecture. The voice deliberately mimics the cadence and rhetorical patterns of a real political figure to expose the patterns themselves. The positions expressed are parody, not advocacy.